A Strange Conversation-- get me out of Utah!!

I think we are ready to leave Utah. It is mostly a subject for a different post, but we are tired of dealing with the willful ignorance and non-caring attitude we have encountered in different circles around the state. If it is our lot to deal with it, let's at least do it where it is beautiful and where there are awesome field trips. I may go into depth about our realizations later.

For now here is the conversation I had with the Primary President on Sunday:

I am now officially the sunbeam teacher to 6 kids including one of my own and the wolf cub scout leader. Sunday was my first time to teach the Sunbeams. At the end of church as I was waiting for parents to come for their children, the P.P. came into the room to talk to me.

P.P.: O.K., so I need to talk to you.
me: sure.
P.P.: So, just tell me straight up, what is going on with you- do you really want to be in the nursery, because the nursery leaders are telling me that you told them you would be in there.
me: I am willing to do whatever needs to be done. My twins were not yet 18 months and I had no calling, so I told the nursery leaders that I would just hang out in the nursery with my babies until I got a calling. Now I have a calling, so I will not hang out in the nursery, I will teach my new class. End of story.
P.P.: End of story?
me: end of story.
P.P.: Oh, O.K., that's what I thought- the nursery leaders were just so worried and I saw Ryan leave with the twins, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah.
me: We had a funeral yesterday, the twins were tired, Ryan took them home.
P.P.: alright, I just thought I needed to hear from you what was going on.
me: I guess I can let the nursery leaders know that I have a calling now.
P.P.: Are you O.K. teaching this class- do you need an assistant? The bishop is moving kind of slow in getting you an assistant.
( I told her when she gave me the sunbeam lesson manuel that I did not need an assistant, I have 7 kids including twins-- I can handle 6 Sunbeams as rowdy as they may be, unless there is someone who needs a calling)
me: I do not need an assistant unless someone needs a calling, we were just fine- then I told her some of the things we had done in class to keep children happy, learning and behaved.
P.P.: O.K., I trust you. We won't worry about an assistant then.

Amazing-- The great thing is that I was in a good mood when she came in, I really like being with the little kids. I have no ill feelings toward her so she couldn't get me to react in any kind of a negative way. I can sense her frustration towards me-- she couldn't keep me out of Primary-- I went over her directly to the bishop to get a calling and I'm not inactive so that she and others can say to themselves --" well, if they would just come to church more often....", "they just must not be that righteous...", "that person is just so hard to work with...", etc., etc.

I can't wait to get out of here and deal with a different set of problems!!

What I have learned from being shunned at Church

I recently posted about not being given a calling for 18 months after I had the twins even though I had offered to help in different areas. I think I last wrote when I realized that I was being shunned and realized that something was very wrong. I tried to make an appointment with the bishop- but that is a long story- suffice it to say that I finally got his ear and felt that he understood my situation and why I had to talk to him only. He thanked me for my patience- I reminded him that I am a mother of 7- I have developed a good amount of patience thus far. Anyway, I felt much better and my burden was lifted.

Actually I really started feeling better after a heartfelt prayer I had the day after I first got his attention and set an appointment directly with him for the following day. I poured my heart out to the Lord in prayer and I was instantly calmed. One of my concerns was that some of the people who were treating my badly in the ward would have influence over my precious children. I really did not like the idea of sending them off to people who don't like me. Anyway, I felt calm and peace and also the assurance that the Lord knows, he understands and their incompetence will not affect my overall purpose in life. They can't take away my influence as a mother to my children. The Lord will give me opportunities to serve at a later date.

For now I think I have learned some valuable lessons. The first is how awful it can feel to go to church. I have a very strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of the divinity of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it was really hard to go to church for a while. I understand how those who go inactive must feel. It is not that they have necessarily lost their testimony-- they just may feel like they are different and on the outside. There may be some people there that they just don't want to see or have contact with or be reminded about how rotten things have gotten. I have never really been on the "inside" of any social group, but it has never really bothered me. But to feel so on the "outside" at church was really hard- because that is supposed to be a place where you can feel safe and loved. I am much more empathetic than I have been in the past. There is nothing like experiencing it for yourself.

I am very much relieved because I did my part. I kept going to church. I realized that it is not the primary president's church or the bishop's church-- it is the Lord's church. I tried to talk to people in the hall and to anybody that looked like they needed a smile. I stopped talking to other people who pretended to be my friends and really aren't. I was polite if I saw them, but I have to admit it felt good to show them that they couldn't push me out or down. Regardless of what they did to me intentionally or unintentionally I would still do what is right. I decided that I would not avoid them- I would watch out for my kids regardless of what they might think. I substituted a couple times and just did my part without fanfare or attention. I didn't make a big deal of anything. I was polite and made it through the church day although it was hard to do. It gave me courage to know that this is Christ's church and he wants us all to feel welcome in his church. That gave me courage to reach out to people I normally wouldn't have reached. I made and delivered loaves of bread a couple times to people I just thought might appreciate it. And I was right- they did appreciate it. I found that I was not the only one feeling shunned.

I was optimistic that I had reached the bishop, probably in a way that anyone any less patient could not have reached him. Two months passed with no word, but I felt that I had had my say and it was not my responsibility to contact the bishop again. Then this week he just showed up at our doorstep one evening and wanted to chat. He let me know he had thrown my name out there and still there were no takers- no calling for me. I let him know that since my son's cub scout leader was moving that I would be taking that over until they called someone new so that there would be continuity. We visited for awhile and I think he saw further what I had been saying. Today he issued me 2 callings in the primary which I am thankful for. I think he realizes that he had to go and fix it himself because auxiliaries were not giving me opportunities that I should have. I am very thankful.

I am still annoyed at the primary president and a few other annoying people who seem to constantly be in callings of influence. I think they could really benefit by experiencing what I have experienced over the past couple years. But I am watching some changes happen and I'm sure there will be more. I am not afraid to speak my mind to anyone in the ward about things that affect me or my children. In a way by being pushed out I was liberated. I was able to see and show myself that I am not dependent on people for my testimony or my faithfulness in the gospel. I was able to overcome the feelings of betrayal I felt and deal with those people in a healthy way. I am stronger and more confident in my thoughts and abilities. I have been able to forgive them all and thus not worry about being around them or having to work with them. It is still annoying, but I can handle them.

Another thing I have learned is that I need to make sure that I have positive interactions each week so that I don't have to rely on my ward as a social outlet. I attend to worship my God, not to make friends. I need to make sure I am fair to people- not all of them are responsible for my shunning. I have to treat them all as best I can. I am not afraid and it is very nice! I do much better when I make sure to meet at least another mom friend for a field trip or to visit. Life is good. I am grateful for the experience-- hopefully I've learned my lesson and I can enjoy a better church- going experience! Things always change- and when things are looking bad- it's nice to remember that they won't stay bad and it will get better!!

Mostly I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for being so perfect and being there for me. Prayer is real. Forgiveness is real. God is real.

Goat Milk Kefir

I found a way to make it palatable and even tasty-- I mixed it in the blender with ice cubes, agave nectar, bananas and dark cocoa powder. The kids liked it. Yay!! We won't be getting our goat until July, so I have to find another source of milk until then. I also want to build a chicken tractor this weekend. My husband is not happy at the prospect of chickens because he's afraid he'll have to do stuff to take care of them like build fences. He didn't tell me I couldn't build a coop, so I think if we have it all set up, and ready to go without needing any help, then he'll be O.K. with it. The kids are really excited about the goat and the chickens. We all wish we could live on a farm. We'll keep trying!!

In Over My Head-- Goats!!!

What else is new? I've taken on too much or will be soon. I read about the health benefits of raw goat's milk and talked to a few friends about it. We bought our first gallon and HATE it. We have been mostly vegan for the past 6+ years and I never liked eggs and milk as a kid. I only ate them because they were supposed to be so good for you. I was pretty glad when I found out that you don't need to eat them to be healthy and with the present factory farming methods, they can be quite detrimental to your health. I missed cheese a little when we changed our diet, but really nothing else.

Fast forward now 6 + years, we are doing well. We eat lots of greens and salads and we seldom get sick. But a couple of my kids are smaller than I think they should be, and I just think that if we had a good source of raw goat's milk and maybe some eggs that maybe it would help them grow a little faster and better. So I have been seriously considering chickens and I found a lady who lives about 5 min. away who has a barn and pasture and has had goats before and would like to share the work and cost for milk. It doesn't get fresher than that. Unfortunately, we do not like the taste at all!!

Do any of you have some ideas for me or words of encouragement? Is adding Kefir to our diet going to help us enough to be worth the effort? I really hope this is worth it. I just don't know. Maybe my kids are just going to be short, I do have some strong tendencies for shortness. My mom is 4'11" and my dad is 6'4" and my sister and I only ended up being 5'2". Now we are going to be milking a goat twice a day 3-4 days a week. If only we liked the milk. My one friend said to just blend it with the smoothies and we will eventually get used to it. We shall see!!

Little Twins

#6 is finally walking everywhere! #7 started walking right at 12 months and #6 took 'til 16 months to walk. They are soooo incredibly cute although they don't look a thing a like. They follow each other around and I have been teaching them how to share and not take things away from each other. They also have strong opinions on what foods they like and dislike and I have to trick them into eating lots of different stuff. #6 is more opinionated that #7 in that way- much less willing to try new things. I sat yesterday watching a gardening video with all my kids and the babies on my lap- it was so precious. They were both so happy to just sit there on my lap. Later I helped the boys with their reading and the babies played with some blocks- they each had their own set and stayed on my lap. I loved it, it was so sweet.

I;m doing much better with the house, just doing my daily chores. Fly lady is awesome. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, eventually I will be able to follow all her recommendations. I am considering getting chickens for the garden and for the occasional egg. I think it would be good for the kids and I think they will take pretty good care of them.

Yesterday, #6 got up before #7 and I found him squawking (he's very loud- high pitched screams-- (he got in trouble for it a couple times yesterday- it's got to stop)) in his room, he had closed the door on himself. He wanted to play with his brother, but his brother was sound asleep. It was very sweet. #7 is curious about everything, but he was tired and his eye teeth are cutting through and it has been hurting. I think those are the last to cut through so we should be done with that soon.

#5 is really growing up. I have to coax him to do his chores, because he wants to stay a baby in that respect. All the kids are doing well and I feel very privileged to have so many and to be such a big part of their lives. I love being a mother. I am so happy. My children bring me great joy.

Great finds at the D.I.

I had a great time at the D.I. today. i bought an awesome oler sewing machine that works better than my regular one!! Yay! Now we can have sewing days easier, maybe I'll start getting to my projects and maybe the girls will finally like sewing. I just wanted to share!

Pride in my Ward

I am very sad to report that I see pride among my fellow saints. I have tried to give people the benefit of the doubt for the 7 1/2 years that I have lived in my current ward, but I'm past it now. I have different ideas on how to do things than the people in my ward-- I homeschool, I like to read, we hold regular family home evenings and read the scriptures together daily, we memorize scriptures and poems. My kids memorize their talks and they know the primary songs. I get a lot of compliments on how well my children behave and how kind they are to each other. We try hard to do the right things and to be kind, considerate and generous. But we don't fit in. I am not cool. I could care less about what I'm wearing, I care much more about what we eat- that it's real food even if it takes extra planning and time to make it. I really don't care what others think of me. It may make me sad, but it doesn't affect my decisions or what I do. I learned early on that the best course is to please the Lord because He is consistent ( and good and true, etc).

Anyway, the very same people who were in leadership positions are still in leadership positions just moved around a bit. They pick their friends to work with them and they pick the hip, cool people which I am not. My twins are almost 16 mos. now and I still don't have a calling even though I had 5 children in primary until last month when my oldest turned 12 and I am there at church with my 7 children, bathed, fed and dressed at 9 a.m. church every Sunday. It makes me sad every time a calling is announced that I could do especially the non- Sunday callings that I could do. I feel like I am really missing out on opportunities to serve the Lord and have a part in building his kingdom. I love the gospel. I love the Lord and I want to serve Him. I wish I could serve and be with my children in an official church capacity. It is not to be at least in this ward at this time.

Unfortunately I don't think it would be different in another ward. My ward may even be better than some. I think the "Mormon coolness" is everywhere in the church. I am sad. I am left out. But my testimony is strong. I will continue to go to church and have my children participate in the activities, but I will also have to find other outlets for them where they are not around so much "coolness and awesomeness". They are great kids and I hope they will be O.K. because they are not being raised to be "cool" and thus they will be left out just like me.

This scripture in Helaman 3:32-36 came to mind today:

33And in the fifty and first year of the reign of the judges there was peace also, save it were the pride which began to enter into the church—not into the church of God, but into the hearts of the people who professed to belong to the church of God—

34And they were lifted up in pride, even to the persecution of many of their brethren. Now this was a great evil, which did cause the more humble part of the people to suffer great persecutions, and to wade through much affliction.

35Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.

36And it came to pass that the fifty and second year ended in peace also, save it were the exceedingly great pride which had gotten into the hearts of the people; and it was because of their exceedingly great riches and their prosperity in the land; and it did grow upon them from day to day.