Don't become a Doormat

 1 Behold, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much unto the Lord my God, because of the anger of my brethren.

 2 But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life.

 3 Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother thinks to rule over us; and we have had much trial because of him; wherefore, now let us slay him, that we may not be afflicted more because of his words. For behold, we will not have him to be our ruler; for it belongs unto us, who are the elder brethren, to rule over this people.

 4 Now I do not write upon these plates all the words which they murmured against me. But it sufficeth me to say, that they did seek to take away my life.

 5 And it came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me.

2 Nephi 5:1-5

I think these verses are so sad, this event happened shortly after Lehi died.  It had been such a struggle for Nephi and his older brothers lots of times previously, I'm sure it was bittersweet for Nephi to just walk away, because then there was no more hope for his brothers and they were cut off from the presence of the Lord.  It was probably a relief in some ways to think that he and his family could be on their own without worrying about what Lamn and Lemuek would do to them.  Sometimes, you can't work things out woth people, no matter how much you love them or care for them.  If they won't work with you, listen to you or try to understand you, and instead work to thwart your goals or hurt you, then sometimes fleeing is the right thing to do.  But you do have to give them a chance and maybe many chances before it becomes the right thing.  

One attitude that I really can not stand is when people act smug and think they have everything figured out.  Then they don't need to work with anybody else, they just need everybody else to fit in with their paradigm and go along with their ideas whether they are good or not regardless of who may be inconvenienced or what may be better.  It's not too bad when the person is just someone you interact with as a peer where neither of you are in charge of each other, but if you ever get into a situation with someone like that who gets to be in charge of something over you or your kids, like at school or church or other organized activities, then that is hell.  Not to the same level as Laman and Lemuel, but it is along the same lines, and if after trying to work things out, you find you are being thwarted or minimized or marginalized or hurt, then the right thing to do is to leave the organization that is hurting you or find another solution.  We should stand up for ourselves and do what is right and not become doormats.

Some thoughts on trials

Trials:  sometimes they are so rough that we can only take them piece by piece, if we knew how hard it would be or how long it would last when we were just starting, it would be overwhelming.  We often don't choose to put ourselves in uncomfortable growing situations, but when they come, we realize we must just endure and get through it as best we can.  When it is over, we find we are much stronger and more capable than before.  We think that the trial being over is the blessing, but the real blessing is the strength and capacity we gained because of the trial.  It's actually a lot like exercising.  We put our body under stress, we tear our muscles, we push ourselves and it is super hard, but our body then recovers and gets stronger, faster, toner and can do so much more than it could before the exercise.  I also just realized that the time the body really strengthens and rebuilds muscle is during the recovery period.  I think that is the same with our spirits and minds, that we really gain strength as we learn to deal with our trials and then when they are over or we are at least in a smooth patch, we can think about it, analyze it and learn from it and thus be ready for more.  Just like when I look back at my life when I just had 1 or 2 babies and how easy that would be for me now that I manage 8, but it didn't seem easy then and it was going through all that that I have grown and my priorities have changed so that I can manage what I do now.  Also I think our trials give us perspective, and make us grateful.  I know I never thought I could be grateful to be able to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen, I just thought it was a chore and a pain.  But now appreciate that I can, because I went through times where I couldn't-- when I was pregnant with twins and way to large to bend over, and then when I was too sick to do a good job or care, and then when I was too busy with needful things to be able to do it.  So it doesn't seem like a chore to me anymore.  It feels like a luxury and I am glad I can keep up now, and I love having a clean (cleaner) house.

Excellent blog post

A few weeks ago I read this blog post and I really, really liked it.  http://puremormonism.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-actual-message-of-book-of-mormon.html

Since then I have been reading one of the books he referenced and more of his posts and other blogs referenced.  I feel like things are starting to make a lot more sense.  I am studying the scriptures much better and learning and understanding things better.  I absolutely love the gospel.  I just read another of his posts about how the word church is used differently in different contexts.  

Anyway, I feel like I have my religion back, and that I can be a Mormon and believe what I feel is best and follow the Book of Mormon literally and not do every program and activity "encouraged" by the corporate church and still be right with God.  I don't have to leave the church or feel uncomfortable there.  I can feel the Spirit and take the good and ignore the bad and not participate when I don't feel good about it.  I can follow the Holy Ghost in my life even when it seems to go against "the corporate church" or my leaders.  The Lord knows what is best for me and He will guide me.  I don't have to go throughh anybody else, I can ask and seek for answers from God and He has, does and will continue to answer me.  I am truly grateful.

Belly fat

I am really tired of being fat!  It would be ok if I never exercised and ate junk all the time, but I don't!  I have been super careful what I eat, I have done cleanses, and I exercise regularly, plus most of my fat is in my belly!  It wouldn't be so bad to be fat if it was in my hips or my bust, but that is not what my body has been doing.  My sense is that my body is recovering from the stress of birthing 8 children including twins and my life is highly stressful with caring for all of them and taking on a lot of extra stuff like healthy eating and homeschooling.  I found this article and at least for me, this may be what I need, R & R workouts, more sleep and destress time.  And I am grateful that I have been feeling really quite good even though I have a bunch of belly fat.  I have been leaning this way, with yoga and meditation, but this article does a good job of explaining what is going on, I'm gonna try it out!

http://www.metaboliceffect.com/female-belly-fat/

Healing and Growing

The past 5 yrs. have been so rough for me, and I have had to endure and persevere through a lot of things, and I have had my ideas and ideals shaken and I have learned to stand up for myself and I have learned to not care about some things I used to think were important, and I have just plain learned and grown a lot through those years although it has been dang hard, when I tell people pieces of it, I jokingly will say, "but I've had enough, that's enough growing for me."  

I have had a really nice respite since we've been here and I have healed some.  Well, last week, unfortunately I ran into the same type of idiot authoritarian, snarky, mean attitude at church over what time we should have scouts.  But this time, my reservoir was not totally empty, and although I spent a couple of really difficult days, I really was able to deal with it much better.  I did realize that I was broken, it was the same as if I had been physically kicked and bleeding and I was down on the ground, my spiritual and emotional wounds from the hurt inflicted on me over time were still open and bleeding, but had started to heal some.  So when I got kicked again  I did what I have learned to do through every difficult time I have ever encountered and that was to pray openly and with sincerity and complete honesty about my situation.  

A friend of mine who had been in the process of moving and selling her house had told me how she had reached the end of her rope and asked the Lord if He would just grant her 3 specific things she asked for in regards to getting her house ready to put on the market and such, and she said, those 3 things happened almost immediately and she was so grateful and wondered if that was all she had to do was ask, but it increased her faith and it increased mine.  

So anyway, as I prayed, I told the Lord that I needed to be healed from this and the past and exactly how it felt and what it was.  Right after my prayer, I remembered how painful my parents' divorce had been and how angry I was and how sad I became, but how I wasn't sad or angry anymore, that I had healed from that, that I had accepted the situation as an experience and there were no longer those intense emotions associated with it anymore.  I have even learned from it and I am a better person because of it, much more compassionate and empathetic.  And I truly love my parents and appreciate their sacrifices and love for me, which I am only beginning to understand now that I have teens of my own.  So anyway, I felt that all was not lost that I was so broken, but that I would heal from the wounds I carried then.   Amazingly, it only took about 4 days after that, and I really felt healed from the pain I still carried from our previous ward, it doesn't anger me ao much any more as well as this more recent incident.

I also thought about our sweet little dog and her unconditional love for me even though I reprimanded her a lot and was exasperated and unkind to her at times, she still loved me and I wanted to have that same kind of love even for this new crazy lady in my life.  Of course, I will not put myself or my children in a position to be harmed by her or someone else like her, but I'm no longer powerless or angry, and that was a huge blessing.

So anyway, I'm learning a lot despite myself, because that's pretty much what life is-- learning.  Then I ran across this scripture in 2 Nephi 28:30 

 30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, ^aprecept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn ^bwisdom; for unto him that ^creceiveth I will give^dmore; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.

So here's to learning and more growth! (Even though it's hard, this scripture encourages me to keep growing and learning and doing, no quitting)

Things I'm grateful for

I'm grateful to be a mother.  I especially love having my own sweet little baby.  I love it when they curl up in my arms and put their head on my chest or shoulder and just lie there.  I could just hold them forever.  From my first down to my last baby, I have tried to hold and cuddle them as much as they would let me, because I knew it would not last forever.  A bunch of them are well past that phase, I can hardly believe how big they all are, but I still give them hugs and thank them when they give me a hug.  It is so sweet to have those hugs and I always thank them and I always marvel at how willing they are to give them.  I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful that I was able to keep the kitchen pretty well cleaned this week.  That was nice.  I'm so glad to be able to do regular everyday things.  I am grateful for my body, and I will continue to take good care of it.  I have started to practice meditation and some mind body bridging techniques I learned from a friend, it has helped my anxiety and stress a ton along with exercising which I have just always loved to do and am so grateful that I can do it.  I'm grateful for my dear husband, he loves me a lot and accepts me how I am and he works so hard for us, and he has made me very happy and I love being with him and spending time with him.  I always wanted a good righteous happy family, where peace reigned, and I have it and I am very grateful.  It is probably my most prized possession.  Of course, not everything is perfect, but I am learning to appreciate the moment and to be more grateful and be fine living in uncertainty and be fine with not knowing the outcomes of everything.  I'm grateful for that too.

I am Grateful!

I am so full of GRATITUDE!!!  Every time I deal with anything that has to do with church these days, I feel good and happy!  There are so many quality good people I have met and we've only been here 2 months today!!  Everyone is so friendly and nice.  I misjudged a few of them because I thought they may act like what I was used to previously, but they have pretty much all proved me wrong. And they have given me space and patience.  I like them all, quarks, uniqueness, everything!  These are a different kind of people.  My girls went with the youth tonight to do baptisms for the dead, they came home happy.  When I took them to drop them off, I was welcomed and people talked to me and I was even asked why I wasn't coming since it was my daughter's first time.  I told them that it wasn't allowed in my previous ward and they just told me that in this ward, you just volunteer and go whenever you want.  I told some of the girls' it was my younger daughter's first time and they all said they would take care of her and show her the way, and they did.  

The YW president made sure she had my phone # if they should need it, and she apologized for not getting back to me on an email I sent.  The interaction was kind, caring and positive.  I told her it was fine she didn't get back to me, we worked it out.  The Relief Society president was there with her son and introduced me to her husband and we talked about him being a twin and me having twins.  There is such a nice spirit among the people of cooperation, caring, love and acceptance.  Wow!  I'm pretty much in awe of them.  I hope I can be like them.  This is a different church than what I experienced in Utah.  What we went through before this is totally foreign to them, some of the things I have mentioned that are different here, they just look at me weird and then shake it off and say, well, it's not like that here!  I'm so glad. 

The other thing that is a nice switch is that these people care about my kids and they want the same things for them that I do.  We actually have the same values!  And when they offer to help, they actually follow through and do help.  My oldest has been invited to accompany the ward choir and another lady who teaches piano talked to the school for me to see if they could use an accompanist there!  They also have the youth take turns playing the orgn in sacrament meeting.  There are a ton of other nice good things they do.  It is such a healthy environment and such a good way to be.  And very relieving as a parent especially of so many.  I'm so grateful that my kids now have a number of good role models to follow.

 It is also validating to find that I wasn't the crazy one!  It is reasonable for the YW organization to communicate with parents, email a calendar to both girls and parents and keep parents in the loop, and talk to parents.  It is such a relief!  This church is really, really good.  This is the church I would be willing to send my kids out as missionaries for, this is the church I may be willing to bring new friends to,  this is really how the gospel was meant to be lived.  When it's good, it's really good.  I have always loved the doctrine, and when the people live the doctrine and abide by the teachings, it is wonderful!  I am so grateful, pretty much all the people I've met since being here have been awesome, non church people included!  Even in the stores, people are just doing their thing.   When we first got here and had a lot of things to buy, I could just feel this absence of constant judgement that I had grown accustomed to in Utah.  These people are not all that concerned with anything I do, they are friendly and polite, but I don't feel judged constantly like I did in Utah, and I didn't even realize I felt that way there until I came here and experienced this.  I feel very, very lucky.   I don't want to ever take having lots of good quality people around me for granted.  I have so much to learn from these people.  Every interaction I have fills me with more hope and gratitude.  Maybe I'll even get to the point someday of being able to serve them some instead of just taking in all their kindness and love.  

I also don't want or mean to knock Utah too much.  I have dear friends and family still there, it is still my heritage and my home all the way to my dear Mormon pioneer ancestors who gave up so much.  It is also full of really good people who have learned to cope fine and even love being there with the beautiful mountains and scenic views, and they are seemingly unaffected or just have a completely different experience than what I had.  And maybe even have in their ward there in Utah, what I have in my new ward here in the East.  It just wasn't where I was supposed to be.  And now that I'm here, it's clear I needed to be here.  And I am grateful!

I am GRATEFUL!