Thoughts on Utah Mormon culture because of this article

http://www.mormonwomen.com/2014/02/27/people-like-us-do-things-like-that/

I really enjoyed reading about this woman's story and how she was encouraged to never leave Utah, but did and has found purpose and joy in life, and she's an active member of the LDS church now.  It's OK to be different, the gospel works for a lot of people and cultures and circumstances.  Recognizing that will be the first step for Utah Mormon culture to overcome some of its really damaging aspects.  There is too much judging, and not enough empathy and compassion.  They will accept the druggie or convert as they are coming back to the fold, but as the person progresses, they don't want to see them as a peer and definitely not better than them.  They are accepting as long as you know your place in the culture and stay there.  These are of course generalizations, but her examples of being excluded, being told as a single mother to stay away from someone's husband, etc. are examples of some of the cultural biases that need to go.  Those types of biases and judgments are way more damaging than people realize.  The worst of it is that the ones carrying them don't even realize it and have no idea why the other person is offended, and then they'll tell everyone how we just need to be nice and use kind words.  It goes deeper than than the words we use, we need to truly care about people and see them all as peers, not a "potential convert" or "someone I can help" or as a duty or obligation to be nice, but to genuinely see them as potential friends and equals regardless of our different personalities or backgrounds. That I think is the worst part of Utah Mormon culture-- the judging against each other and people putting themselves above others.  It looks like she has been able to recover from it and even settle in Utah, it sounds like she is doing a lot of good there now, kudos to her.  It is an uphill battle, but maybe as more people see it and recognize it, many more can freed from it.

The talk I gave in sacrament meeting on Sunday

I get so nervous speaking because I can probably count the times I've spoken in sacrament meeting on 2 hands, I used to be able to wing it when I was in college, but ever since I gave a 5 min. talk giving my husband 30 min. to speak, I write it all out ahead of time and just read it.  It was really hard to make a talk out of another talk, so I just used the title as my topic.  This time I took 25 min. and my husband only had about 8 min., I tried to use it as more of a guide as I spoke, but what I wrote sounded a lot better than the words that came out as I spoke.  I was glad for the opportunity to prepare something to share.  I much prefer teaching though, And I'm glad to be done with that for a long while!

My topic is the conference talk:

Home the school of Life by Elder Falabella

So first off what is a successful life?

 39 For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  Moses 1:39

 7 And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.  D&C 14:7

So from those scriptures we learn that gaining eternal life is  the Lord's work and greatest gift, and gaining eternal life I think means that you had a successful life.

So OK, how can we gain eternal life?

2 Ne 31:20. Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. 

So to have eternal life we must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ which I think means to learn of Him, be baptized and keep his commandments, having hope means that we have faith that by doing so we will gain eternal life, and then we have to love god and all men.  It was a great reminder to me, looking up scriptures and remembering verses, just how important that true genuine love is.  It's more than just saying The words, it only counts if you truly and genuinely feel that love towards others, and you can tell when someone really cares and when they are just being nice for their own gain, although that's. Enter than being mean and if they keep it up, and they really want to feel that love, over time, they will.  We really do end up loving those we serve.  Parents are a perfect example of this, as a child I didn't understand it, And I thought it was my entitlement, but as a parent, then I realized just how much my parents cared about me, and I am really grateful for that. 

So back to more scriptures on how important charity is, and this concept of loving god and all men, in the New Testament in Matthew we read this story:

Matthew 22

 34 ¶But when the Pharisees had heard that he had put the Sadducees to silence, they were gathered together.

 35 Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,

 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

And Then in Moroni 7:

 46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

 So to reach the goal of eternal life, we must have charity, or love.  The other great thing about keeping the commandments and loving people is that it makes your life happy too.

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

 2 Ne 2:25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.  

And having this peace love and joy, I think makes for a successful, happy life.

So how can we gain that charity and really love people?  And to my topic, how can we learn and practice these things at home and teach it to our children, cause we can't teach something we don't know, right.?

First off the answer to gaining charity is simple, it is found in the next verse in Moroni when he's talking about charity:

 Moroni 7:48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

So we need to pray with all the energy of heart-- which means we really have to want it and have been thinking about it.  

Experience at BYU,  we need to honest with ourselves and recognize where we need help and remember that god already knows, so He's not going to to be shocked  at our failings, and acknowledging that anyway, is the first step to change, although this love truly is a gift, and it is one we must pray for, because there are some people who are really hard to love,  for these I will sometimes pray that I can see them the way God sees them, teaching our kids to pray I think is so important, so that they can always have the help they need throughout life, I told my kids when they first went to public school after being homeschooled, that I couldn't be there, but .god is and He is already there and will help you with whatever they need and that's true for each of us.

I think also understanding how much God loves us is very helpful:

 2 Ne 26:33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

D&C 18:10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

And then back to my first scripture we have to endure to the end and feast on the words of Christ so we remember to be good and nice.  And know that god loves everyone regardless of anything! rich! poor! ugly! pretty! smart! dumb! fast! slow, fat, skinny, popular, nerdy, whatever, God loves us all no matter what and he doesn't make some of us better than others and when we can love others the way He does, then we won't categorize ourselves anymore, and it won't matter that I'm better or worse off than so and so, we can make a connection and truly care for each other and build each other up and help each other, just as our children or our pets require work and care with nothing in return from them except love and adoration and more work, it doesn't matter, we just love them for them, because they are, and if we could get to that point with every person where we just love them because they are a human, they are a child of God, then we could maybe start to understand God a little bit, because He truly loves us all and truly wants us to be happy and to love each other too, and that is quite a gift he offers us if we will just pray with full energy of heart and keep trying and keep practicing.

Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

And the home just so happens to be a great place to learn and practice these very important lessons.  So children, I hope you will remember how much God loves you and how much your parents love you and that you will treat each other kindly and do nice things for each other and help your parents and siblings and other family and friends and people. And for parents, I have a little more to say on that matter although, if you can have that charity and love, the rest will fall into place. 

One good thing we can do as parents I think is recognize that our children are their own people, they come with certain strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes and preferences.  They are each of great worth. Parents are given a great responsibility to teach them and nurture them and help them to gain their eternal life and to have a happy life too.  It is very helpful to lead by example.  And when we fall short, we need acknowledge our faults, apologize - right the wrong-- and keep trying to do better.  I think D&C 121 is helpful for parents, because we are given authority over our children and we need to use it wisely and in the way The Lord has set:

 41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood ( or any authority), only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

So we need to talk to our children, listen to them, help them and be patient with them. Laying down the law, plants resentment, and trying to guilt them into doing things won't last or work either.  We want our children to do things because they can see why it is a good idea and how it will help them and make them happier-- like schoolwork-- it can seem so daunting at times but if they can see how it will help them get into college and get a good job and help them have things they will want, then it becomes much more worthwhile and they are more likely to follow through, we may have to get creative and give them easier attainable rewards for work done, like a sticker or computer time, or to do whatever activity they enjoy.  The same principle applies to being nice and keeping the commandments.  And then back to the scripture:

 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

 44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

 45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

Elder Falabella says: The Lord has clearly described the attributes which should guide our dealings with other people. These are persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned

I think it also helps to be consistent, not threaten a punishment you don't want to enforce, but the important thing really is that they know you love them and care about them, they really do want to be good and helpful and make you happy, it makes them sad when they fail, but if they know you still love them even when they disappoint or fail at things, then they'll have hope and with that hope and your example, they will find their way, just we all have to find our way to God, and He is patient and loving and forgiving and soooooo long suffering,  we need to be that way too and all our interactions in the home are great practice.

Another thing that Elder Falabela says in his talk is:

1. The temple is the place.-- a great way to start, but he notes we must also live a celestial life

2. To contend, you need two people, and I will never be one of them.

3. A child who sings is a happy child.-- we can learn so much through music, love those primary songs

4. I need you to hug me. We need to reach out

5. I love the Book of Mormon and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Study the scriptures

6. It is not enough to know the scriptures; we have to live them.

Physical abuse in the family is a practice that is occurring less often in certain societies, and we rejoice in that. However, we are still far from eliminating emotional abuse. The harm caused by this form of abuse dwells in our memory, it wounds our personality, it sows hatred in our hearts, it lowers our self-esteem, and it fills us with fear.

So we need to watch our words, and build up our children, praise them when they do well, help them recognize their talents and strengths and help them to keep working on things even when they want to give up.

Now if there is anything I've learned thus far in my life, it's that everybody is different and each situation can be different and sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is in many cases.  The scriptures are really amazing, because they can apply to many situations, giving us guidelines, but when it comes to specifics, we really need to do our homework or research and pray and then listen to spirit and follow what we know in our heart to be right and good for our particular individual situation.

Sometimes the answer may surprise us, that what we and others thought would be a good thing for our child isn't, and we need to listen to those promptings as parents and have the courage to sometimes go against the grain to do the right thing for our child. 

Moroni 7

 13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

 14 Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil.

 15 For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.

 16 For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

2 Nephi 32:3 Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do. 

So it is my prayer that we will all study and feast upon the scriptures, take the time to ponder and learn from them and follow the promptings we get to do whatever,  whether it be to focus on our health more, read a certain book, talk to a certain person, sign our child up for a certain class, take some extra family time, find more opportunities to serve or whatever.  And also that we will be filled with love for one another, that we will be humble and not put ourselves above or below others for whatever reason, that we will be patient, kind and long suffering.