Things I've Learned and Things I hope I don't Forget

When I started this blog, most of my posts were about books or works I read. I started this blog during a relatively slow easy time of my life. While pregnant with #5 I had time to start to learn the guitar, I was a member of 3 book clubs and I was part of some very nice homeschool groups and I had some very good friends. After having #5 I managed to read plenty, keep up with my book clubs, homeschooling, housekeeping, guitar and piano playing, running, yoga, cleansing, healthy cooking and other fun activities for both me and the kids. I was called to serve in Young Women's. I was in there about a year and learned a lot. It was very good for me to see what my girls were headed towards. A year later I was back in primary and about 6 months later I found out I was having twins. My life has not been the same since. I have grown as a person a hundred fold. That pregnancy was incredibly difficult. The following year and a half were also difficult for varying reasons. I have a sense now that we have switched wards (congregations), we'll be moving into a new house with an awesome layout, and my husband's work paying off more that we may get to experience some less stressful and growing times for at least a little bit. I know life doesn't slow down -- so I could be wrong about all that, but I still want to remember what I've learned these past couple years so that I don't ever forget.

Starting with the twin pregnancy: It was incredibly difficult. I was unable to keep up with most of what I had been doing before. No more exercising, playing the guitar or reading. It was all I could do to feed the kids and clean the house. By the end I seriously felt that I could better understand people with serious health issues. I have so much more empathy for people who are bedridden. At least for me it was for a wonderful cause and I had something marvelous to look forward to, and I knew it would end. How disheartening for someone for whom there may be no end to the pain and constant discomfort. That is the first thing I don't want to forget: I don't want to forget how it feels to be incapacitated. The first trimester I felt terrible-- I just let the kids watch TV and eat sandwiches and fruit. I just ate whatever I could get down. The house got so bad that we couldn't even walk down the hall. I am embarrassed to admit this on a public site, but it is the truth. The 2nd trimester was a reprieve, but the last trimester I got so big that I could barely get around. People were asking me all the time if I was pregnant with twins. I started to swell and I had to wash dishes and cook sitting down on a tall stool. I mostly just sat and slept.

The next thing I don't want to forget is how being a young mother alone feels. After the twins were born, I didn't have time to keep up my relationships with people and some of my best friends moved during this time. Also some of my friends were done having children and their youngest started school so they were no longer available for the get togethers I enjoyed with my older kids when they were young. Also, I essentially had a job teaching those older ones and I was unavailable for get togethers unless it involved my older children. Gone were the leisurely days of spending hours at the zoo or the museum or even the store. I finally realized and experienced how many first time mothers often feel alone and overwhelmed with their baby. All my babies have slept well and been calm and I'm pretty laid back so even 5 young children didn't slow me down or make me feel overwhelmed. Twins did it. I didn't have any time for anything besides caring for my new babies and my older children and my house.

But I still love my older children and I take my responsibility to care for them very seriously and I made sure they had friends and activities and schoolwork to help them grow. We didn't do as many outside things as before but we had these cute babies to play with and care for and it was pretty fun. We read a lot and got a lot of schoolwork done. Once the twins were about 6 months old I felt that we could breathe a little and I wanted to get back to being more involved at church and with our homeschool friends. One thing that was very annoying to me during this time were people who didn't want to "burden" me by asking me to help with things that affected my own children. I felt that I was perfectly capable and with older kids, I could certainly get away from the twins for an hour to help with something with the older ones. I didn't volunteer any help during the twins' first 6 months of life, but when I was ready I expected that others would be happy to have me back. This was not the case. I sensed that people wanted to keep me away. They didn't like me and were glad that I had been out of the picture and they wanted to keep it that way. This was mostly at church which I've written about before. But I don't want to forget how that feels because I don't ever want to do that to anybody else. People also assumed that I had to be so busy and because of that I was basically unable to do anything outside of my home at all. Especially the older women-- I think most of them had forgotten what it's like to have a bunch of little ones at home. It is very important for young mothers to get out of the house sometimes, interact with other women and do some things by herself-- not all the time, but it is necessary at least a little. Having a bunch of little ones is very physically demanding. There is very little leeway. If the mother hasn't thought out meals and snacks ahead of time, there will be a bunch of crying, hungry children and then it is almost impossible to make anything for them to eat.

It is not possible to just "run" to the store or check on this one thing real quick. Nothing is quick with little ones that you have to buckle and unbuckle in their carseats constantly. Going anywhere is a major undertaking that has to be planned ahead of time. The less stops, the better. There are lots of things that have to be packed like snacks and diapers and jackets and socks and blankets, etc. These children cannot be left alone at anytime. They have to be supervised at all times. It is a 24 hr. job. There is no "winging" it and when you have several children, eating out is just too expensive. Everything must be planned or you can't go. Older ladies especially seem to forget this-- so many of them just really don't have enough to do. They go shopping, they do projects, they read, they attend classes, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, but they need to be sensitive to strain that young mothers bear. I hope I don't ever forget that. When I'm old I want to make sure I give a smile, kind word and encouragement to young mothers. I want to drop off homemade bread or just stop by to chat for a little bit. I want to reach out to their children and make them feel that they have a friend in me and I want the mother to feel at ease with me around her children and know that I really do love her and her children. I don't want to get caught up in all the projects and activities I'll finally be able to do. I want to be sensitive to the feelings of those around me.

Another thing I want to recognize when I'm old is that these young moms who will look sooooo young to me are full grown adults with personalities and opinions that are just as valid as my own. I never want to think that I am so much wiser just because I am older and have already raised my children. Those mothers deserve my full respect because they are working 24 hours a day and most do an amazing job. I hope I realize that I probably can't do half the stuff I was able to do when I was young-- and if I can, then I need to try to help out at least be respectful and encouragin and loving.

The other thing I experienced as I realized that I was being shunned at church is what it feels like to be subject to people who don't care about you-- how it feels to have no one care what you think about anything even though it affects yourself and your children. I sensed a lot of leaders willing to take my children and teach or serve them, but totally unwilling to reach out to me as a person. It was as if I didn't matter as a person-- just my children were important. The attitude was "thank you for bringing me your child, now please go away". They wanted zero input from me. Really they didn't want me to be me. They wanted me to fit some other mold that I couldn't. I closed up. I stopped interacting with these people. I avoided them, and I only went to church to worship and take the sacrament, not for social reasons. I finally understood first hand how inactive members and non LDS members must feel. I don't ever want to forget that because I don't ever want to make anyone feel the way I was made to feel. I want every person I meet to know that I care about them and love them as a person, not just because it is my duty to act like I care. I want them to know that I truly and sincerely care for them regardless of if I am in a leadership position in the church or not. I also want to remember what it's like to not have a calling and how ostracized it makes a person feel. It is much easier to deal with people's insecurities and letting your children go with them when you have another job in the church to do as well. But when you have nothing, no responsibility and not a soul who can help you that cares, how awful that feels. I don't forget that. I am so much more empathetic towards others. A lack of love, concern and care really does kill a person slowly. I never knew how bad until I experienced it myself and I hope I never forget.

It is so important to reach out. Even just an encouraging smile that shows your love can do wonders. Life is hard. You never know what people may be going through. We must love each other. We can all feel different and on the outside for various reasons and we need to lift each other and pray for charity for it truly is the greatest gift of God. Charity. Charity. Charity. I hope I will always remember this so that I never make anyone feel sad or lonely or weak. I hope they will feel love and that I will be able to love each and every person I meet.

I am really grateful for these hard times. I was strong enough to learn from them. I don't know if I would have been ready for these lessons earlier in my life. I am grateful to understand humanity better. I think I was very naive before. I loved people, I tried to be good and reach out, but some of the feelings people would tell me about, I just really didn't understand and now I do. I pray that I never forget. These have been most valuable lessons for me. I feel more connected to real people and to life. I don't think I'm scared of much anymore. I feel very empowered. I know that my worth and testimony are not based on other's opinions of me, but on my personal relationship with God. I feel that I understand better what our Savior went through with the hatred of those who should have accepted Him. I am so grateful. I pray that I never forget. I have much more to learn, but that's O.K. I will continue to learn and grow. It's O.K. to be wrong. Life is good, repentance is real. The Savior and the Atonement are real. Life is good. I am very thankful to have some new friends and a wonderful, welcoming, accepting ward where I can feel the Spirit and the Savior's love each week. Thank you new ward full of such wonderful people. Amen.

Visit to our future ward-- so GOOD!!!!

We are in the process of getting a house built about 20 min. from my husband's work. We've picked out the lot and picked out the plan we want. We just have to hammer out the details, sign on the dotted line and put some money down. So we all went to check out the new ward.

It was so AWESOME!!!!! I am still in shock at how good it was and how welcoming the leadership was. They announced over the pulpit that they would like to have all the new families and visitors meet in the bishop's office after sacrament meeting. So we went and the bishopric, the relief society president, the young women's president, the primary president, and the young men's president were all there. They went around the room and introduced themselves and then gave the new people a chance to introduce themselves. They chatted with us a little bit and then all the presidents were there to help all the kids find the right classes. I feel totally comfortable with all of them, I have no qualms about handing my children over to them. They asked me if there was anything else they could do to help. They made sure I knew when the activities are. The bishop knew exactly who was serving in what calling. It was amazing. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt relaxed at church. I didn't have to be on guard. I could relax. There were tons of people there- it filled up have the overflow gym section. There were lots of families and lots of kids. A family sang a beautiful hymn humbly and beautifully without changing the tune or making any fanfare. It made me cry. One of the nursery leaders homeschools, and there are other families in the ward who do so also. Lots of people introduced themselves and were sincere. I am just in awe. It was such a contrast to what I have been used to in my current ward. I don't ever want to go back to my old ward. The bishop asked if we should pull our records and when I told him that I didn't want to make it to difficult for visiting teaching, he told me we could do phone visits. They already have tons of people in the ward, but they are so ready for more. Each organization had get to know papers to fill out. They were all so nice. This is the church I know and love, and I feel like I've come home.

I think we'll sign the papers this week and I will drive my kids to their weekly activities. My oldest is sooooo happy. I just can't wait. I can hardly believe it. I am still in shock.

Life Experience-- love

I've written a bit about some of the frustrations I've had here in Utah and especially in my ward. I have tried to be fair and keep it general, I hope I have done that and will continue to do so. I'm getting tired of the whole thing, but I keep understanding myself, others and life around here a little better and I keep wanting to share. This has been a huge growing experience for me, and we'll be moving into a brand new house probably the end of November so I'm all set for a completely new set of problems-- because they (problems) are everywhere- you know.

The most important experience I've gained is what it feels like to be on the outside and to really not fit in. I hope that all through my life I have felt empathy for those around me who haven't fit in or who have been shunned in one way or another. I've known people who have felt and gone through similar things I've just gone through, and I have talked with them and tried to help them and make them feel better, but now that I personally have gone through it-- I can REALLY empathize. I think I have a better idea (although, my understanding is still extremely limited) of what Jesus Christ went through- being thrown out of synagogues and being asked to leave his home town. Wow, you just don't know how it feels 'til it happens to you. I had no idea-- I'm glad that I tried to be understanding, but I really didn't understand. I have friends now who try to understand, but just really can't. I can see people with the same thoughts toward me that I had towards other people-- I've now been on both sides.

I think the most important thing for me to take away from this experience is to just be kind and considerate of everyone. Don't be afraid to introduce yourself or to get to know people. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. Each one of us has power to do things that will brighten or darken someone's day. There's no way to know the sorrows people carry with them. We need to lift each other and rejoice in others successes and sorrow at their failures. We need to make sure we are kind and friendly with people. A smile can make such a difference-- it's such a small thing, but so powerful. We also need to sincerely care for others-- not just because we should-- but because we really do care. If we really love people, it will shine through even if we don't know how to relate to them or help them-- it will make a world of difference just to know that someone cares.

I think Cor 13 is particularly applicable here-- if you don't have love or charity- then whatever other great things you can do or have, don't matter. Without love- life is meaningless.

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not acharity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

If you don't have charity- you can pray for it, and God will grant your desire Moroni 7:

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

47 But acharity is the pure blove of Christ, and it endureth cforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall cbe like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be dpurified even as he is pure. Amen.