Taking Off My Armor and Healing

I can hardly describe the relief I have felt since moving here to New Hampshire from Utah.  We have been here 6 weeks now.  Our Utah ward got really crazy, even crazier than our previous crazy Utah ward that we moved from and had a wonderful reprieve til the ward split in our backyard.  Every week and often 2-3 times per week after church and after any interaction with church people, I would have to evaluate people's actions and mentally work through my emotions so that I could live my own life and not be completely reactive.  But just given my situation with lots of little people to care for and teens to watch out for, I was living a very reactive life full of stress.  We sent our older kids to school instead of homeschooling them, I questioned my parenting choices along the way, was I really the one with the problem, because this was the second time going through this and everybody else seemed to accept their place.  But as I worked through scenarios, talked to people, made other people mad at me and tried to find answers, I concluded that even if I was wrong or the crazy one, so be it, I did not want to be like these so-called leaders I was under nor did I want my children to grow up to be like them either.  If this is heaven, then I'll go dwell in hell with the sinners.

Being in the situation I was in was sort of like being tortured drop by drop.  At first I could let it roll off my back, then I could withstand it and keep going.  I learned coping mechanisms, made sure I had positive interactions, learned which types of people I could trust and which I could not, but over time my reservoir emptied.  That's when I started having health issues, and started to limit interaction at all because I realized it was actually physically damaging.  That helped a lot, and our last month in Utah, December, we only went to our ward once, we went to other wards for various things and it was so nice!!  It was healing and relieving.  It softened us enough to call our new ward and let them know we were coming.

The bishop was super nice, I didn't detect any of the usual self aggrandizement or judging, trying to see if I would play the game types of things talking to him.  It was just a nice normal conversation, and he seemed genuinely interested and not over bearing at all.  He was happy to have people come help us move in.  We weren't ready for that at the time and we didn't ask for help.  But the primary president and sister missionaries came over to meet us one night, and the bishop stopped by another night and a couple other people called and they all wanted to help, so we let them.  And they were all super nice and really good and really helpful.

The first Sunday was stake conference, and that was good, I heard the gospel I love there, it even brought tears to my eyes that maybe I would fit in here, it felt like coming home.  But I did not want to talk to anybody, so it was nice to have a slow intro like that.  The YW organization is super good here too.  It is actually quite large, larger than what we had in Utah and the leaders are mature, a lot of them have kids on missions and out of the house and married.  They actually wanted to talk to me and get to know me a little bit.  I started to realize that these people are not like the Utah people I had grown accostumed to, I found that I didn't know how to act around nice normal people anymore.  I had learned how to cope in Utah, just hang back, don't draw any attention to myself, avoid problematic people, and have shallow meaningless conversations when it was unavoidable.  

It was very different and yet very familiar, it felt very much how I thought it was before I found out the hard way that it wasn't the way I had hoped it was, sorry if that doesn't make sense.  Anyway, it felt like these people were genuine and real and caring.  There was no self aggrandizement or judging.  There are still little quirks, but they are not damaging and mean and judgmental.  All my kids go to their classes without complaint, I think we all even look forward to church now.  Sunday school is fine, and there is nothing weird in Relief Society, in fact the teachers seldom have any visual aids, we just discuss things, and the discussions are good, there's nothing said that makes me cringe and I can tell people just want the best for each other.  When church is over, I feel a little weird because I feel lighter and I didn't have to protect anybody or react to anybody.  I am relaxed, I am able to talk to people.  One of my visiting teachers in particular has been really nice to talk to because she understands what I am going through, she recently moved here from Utah too, and we have very similar observations about the culture there.  It has been healing to find someone who doesn't think I'm crazy or overreacting or just so angry and even understands and has lived it.  It has been so nice to have understanding and goodness.

My husband just got back from going on a winter camp with our 11 yr old scout.  The whole Young Men's is the scout troop and then the quorums are each a patrol unlike the way it is done elsewhere in the church where the quorums are each their own troop and they are separate.  It was amazing.  The older boys were really good to the younger ones and the younger boys could observe and learn from the older ones.  There were a couple boys with emotional issues or autism, but they were all accepted and treated well.  And the leaders were all good too.   Not only have we gotten out of a bad situation, we have found ourselves in an extraordinary situation that is exceptional.  I cannot express my gratitude enough.  To have people who want the same things for my children that I do, to have people who want to see my family succeed and be happy and are happy for us and are accepting of us and not threatened by us.  These feelings are so foreign to me.

It is kind of like after you go skiing or roller skating for a long time and then take the boots or skates off and start walking around without them.  Your legs feel wobbly and it takes some time to walk straight and for it to feel normal again.   That's kind of how it feels for me now.  Another analogy I though of is how it must feel when a person removes some heavy armor they had to wear to stay protected and how much lighter they feel and relieved they don't have to carry it around anymore.

  

That's how I have felt after church and after being around people, a little disoriented, these people aren't afraid of me, I don't threaten their self identity.  They are comfortable with who they are and they are even willing to give me time to orient myself.  They are not offended at my defensive mechanisms of holding back a bit, asking questions or anything else.  I'm not ready to go at it full force, but I'm sure I will be at some point.  And I'm grateful that my children are in such a healthy loving environment now.  It is one thing to not be in a bad environment, it is another to be in a good environment.

That's where we are now and I am healing and so is my family and I am super grateful.