You are nothing without Love

I think writing things out is highly therapeutic for me, there has been so much stuff though that I have needed to flesh out privately and haven't because this and Facebook became my outlets. I just found a journal app that will be so much better than sharing my thoughts and impressions with the world. I am a pretty open book, and I think it worked against me on Some Facebook groups I was a part of, but I also learned a lot about myself and about people through the experience. The problem with Facebook is that there's no body language. In person you can tell when something is uncomfortable for the other person and you can tell when a change of subject is in order. With Facebook! you can lay out your heart and not realize that you have threatened someone with your thoughts or with your experience. The human experience is so varied and unique, that what may seem like common knowledge to me may be completely foreign and bizarre to someone else. And with FB, it's really hard to gauge when you are coming to that line. So probably not too unsurprisingly I threatened a lot of people on a fairly conservative LDS moms group I was a part of with my "radical" ideas. This has been awhile, so I joined a different more "radical" group, but I really liked it because the people there were fairly tolerant. It was refreshing and I wasn't radical at all there. So it has been an interesting exercise to observe the people's comments in these groups. I'm pretty tired of them both now and I have worked through a lot of things. Also, I haven't gone to my ward since testimony meeting because we've had family in town or gone to a different ward or had a sick kid, plus we're moving so I have not heard about any of the ward activities or goings on. It has helped my mental and emotional state so much, that I don't feel like I have to go vent some where. Those people can make me so angry so fast because of their ignorance and stupidity and my inability and powerlessness to change it, it is ridiculous. I have found time to play the piano, read and watch lectures again. I feel like I am coming back to myself. I started this blog as a place to review books I've read and to share ideas I liked, but once I got pregnant with the twins, all I was able to do was survive and protect my kids and try to figure out how to navigate the idiocy that seemed to surround me. It is really really relieving to have this period come to a close. Someday, I may write a book about these 4 years. They were great in terms of the kids growing and learning, and they were awful in terms of being rejected by our faith community. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't pretended to be our friends. You don't have to like me, you don't have to be my friend, so don't pretend to be my friend and then stab me in the back, talk bad about me when I'm not there, marginalized me and push me away. That's not nice, and it really does hurt. When someone says or does something mean and back handed to another person, it hurts even if the person doing the harm believes they are a good person. Probably the most important thing I have learned through all of this is the reality of 1 Corinthians 13 that you are nothing without charity or love, it doesn't matter what else you do, how much money you donate charity, that you can prophesy, that you are respected in your community, that you are prospering in the land, etc, etc, if you don't sincerely and truly love people, be encouraging of them, don't be jealous, let them be themselves, don't shame them or guilt them, but just love them and accept them, then you really are nothing and nothing else you do matters one iota. And conversely, if you are the scum of the earth with no skills and no talents and nothing to share, but you truly have charity and love and compassion, it doesn't matter because you have what counts. And you know what else? God loves us all the same, he doesn't love the pious church goer anymore than he loves the sinner. He doesn't love the fabulous singer any more than he loves the ugly or disabled person anywhere. He doesn't turn anyone away ever. He loves us all. May we all have that love, then the world would be a much better and happier place.

My Health update

About a month ago I finally started feeling more normal and less tired. My skin started looking a lot better and my hair even seems thicker. My belly has gone down a lot too. I attribute that mostly to making sure I got my rest, enough sleep and taking time to lie down during the day when I just felt tired. I let go of the guilt of thinking of all the things I needed to do and I would just go lie down for as long as I needed. It took about a month of that, and I no longer need to lie down during the day. I make sure I go to bed by 11 pm and I'm up at 7 am. Sleep makes such a difference. I just have felt better. We are also going to be moving the end of this month, hopefully-- it will be nice to get it all set up, so I decided to go ahead and do a final cleanse with Vicki before we go, I'm on my 2nd day of just juices today and I am still feeling pretty good. I've gotten some more weird stuff out, how much is there? I am hoping that my body will finally be able to release some of the extra pounds I've been carrying, but it just may take a while longer. I plan to continue eating mostly salads, I'm finding new favorite ways of eating them and I am also finding more ways to include a wider variety of cooked veggies into my and my family's meals. It feels good!

New Events Website -- happen.io

So this post is just to let you know that there is a great brand new website out there where you can post your own events to the public or make them private, you can even make your own group for whoever you want to join, it's easy to communicate through the comments and it's easy to use and search. It is brand new, been out about a week, so most of the public events so far are in Utah, so definitely if you are in Utah, go check it out! Http://happen.io

Anxiety and Adrenal glands

I really wasn't feeling well last month. I had a couple migraine auras, I would feel slightly dizzy and have a weird feeling behind my eyes. I realized that I needed to make getting enough sleep a top priority. I bought warm sleepers for the twins and the baby, made sure the one who always wets his pants has a diaper, made sure all the animals were taken care of and made sure I went to bed as early as possible. Also when I feel like I need a break, I take it and lie down. It took about a month of this, letting some things go and such that I started feeling better. But I still wasn't sure exactly what was going on with me, I eat about as healthy as anyone could possibly eat, I was starting to worry a bit, brain tumor, hypoglycemia? Finally I realized that I have pretty much all the symptoms of anxiety plus it runs in my family. I was relieved to have a reason that I could learn to deal with and conquer and then I had to figure out what was causing it. First of all, being the mother of 8 needy children including twins and a baby is not a calm serene type of life. I love it, I am a pretty patient person, but it does wear on me. It also makes it extremely difficult to keep the house clean which when it gets super out of control instead of just regular out of control, I get overwhelmed and apparently anxious. Slowing down and taking care of myself was exactly what I needed to do. The other thing that is not a happy stress that was causing me anxiety is my stupid ward. Once I realized that trying to deal with them all the time was affecting me physically, I decided that I just won't deal with them right now until I am more stable. I need a break from their stupidness. So we are only attending sacrament meeting each week and taking a break from the auxiliaries. I feel so at peace with this decision right now. It is so much better to just decide beforehand how much involvement everyone will have until either we feel more accepted and more trusting of the people who are in charge of the activities and meetings for our children. My daughter told me how she misses going to all of church, and I do to. Hopefully we will have that good feeling at church again. For now I feel like the right thing to do is to follow our conscience or the Spirit and not go. If we didn't have kids then I would go to the whole thing and try to help people and give comments and such, but as it is, they have completely marginalized me and it is just not worth losing my health over it. On a good note, my husband finished his awesome website. It is not growing very much yet, so he will try to get a job and wait for it to grow. We got to switch roles today. I did some cold calling-- not effective-- and he helped the kids with their schoolwork and washed some dishes. I missed my kids even as overwhelming and hard as it can be sometimes, I like my job home with them way better. I will miss these days. It was fun to have a change of pace for a day and it helped me get my mind on something positive to work towards rather than thinking about defending myself and kids from our ward. I think that's really what I need, is to focus on some positive things. It's hard to do when you don't get out much because you homeschool 8 kids of a wide span of ages. It was fun. The other thing I learned researching about anxiety is that I'm pretty sure my adrenals are shot from all the fight or flight hormones that have been running constantly since the twins were born and we've had to constantly be on guard at church except for the blessed year of recovery til our ward split. But I'm grateful to have a name and some understanding of what has been going on with me. Things can only get better! Speaking of which, I'd better go to bed!

Video on being taught well by parents

This is so worth watching http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isLtc5lFgf8&feature=player_embedded&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DisLtc5lFgf8%26feature%3Dplayer_embedded

Balance

Dang! I thought I published this last week, guess not! :) There are only so many hours in the day. We are each just one person. And although I would love to learn everything, do everything and teach it all to my kids in one day, it just isn't going to happen. One of my biggest weaknesses is getting really involved in something that I miss the bigger picture and forget about doing other needful things. I will get completely absorbed in a book or in a sewing project or in reading to my kids or playing the piano or a cleaning project (in my former life when I had time to do such things), and I will forget all about making dinner or cleaning up after myself or whatever, it makes me late for stuff all the time because I think I can do more before we have to go and then I get absorbed in it an leave later. So having a bunch of kids has forced me to prioritize better, organize better and think things through better and schedule things better. There just is so little room for error when you have a bunch of needy people dependent on you. At this point in my mothering career, we are just doing the most important basics and it takes all day long and longer. I honestly haven't folded the laundry in months, I get it washed, the laundry room is out of the way and we all just dig through to find our clothes, it is on the list to organize and give parts of it to the kids, but the time is not yet. And I wash an average of 3 loads of laundry a day and usually more with all the pee and poo blankets, towels and clothes. Today somebody forgot to turn the sink off after they washed their hands in the bathroom, so right now every towel in the house is hanging out to dry on our back deck from soaking up all the water that ran everywhere before someone noticed-- at least it was clean water from the sink and not yucky water from the toilet. Anyway, my point is that we have had to prioritize so much that we only do what is most important and for awhile that did not include taking care of myself. I have been learning that the analogy of the putting on your own oxygen mask in the airplane first and then putting it on the child once yours is secure is very true. If I am not healthy, then everything else can just go to pot, nothing will get done if I am not there to either do it or oversee it. If I am stressed, then everybody is stressed. So there were a couple days where I woke up extremely tired from getting woken in the night for various things over several days, and I decided that everybody was safe and happy doing whatever and I went back to bed and rested. When I got up, I felt tons better and got way more done than if I had tried to push through that tiredness. Also, I think I have finally internalized the fact that we are not going to accomplish everything I would like to do every day and that's OK. I need a break sometimes and the kids also need a break sometimes. As we work steadily and consistently a little bit everyday, eventually will reach our end goal. My girls play the piano even though our lessons have been sporadic. They are doing fine in algebra even though we slowed down in math sometimes. The boys finished their first year Greek book even though it took us 2 years to do so. It's OK. And we can take a break from our studies for field trips. I just used to want the kids to get as much done as possible each day, but that's not necessary. I think we are actually more efficient now because I don't hang it over our heads all the time. We work when it's time to work and we play when it's time to play. I make sure and drink my water and eat my salad before I make the kids' meals so I have energy to do so and don't eat all their food. I also let myself rest when I'm tired and acknowledge to myself how much I've done even though it doesn't look like it. I try to remember all the diapers I changed, all the books I read, all the bums I wiped and hands I washed and food I prepared and served and water I gave and children I dressed and homework I explained and songs I sang and messes I cleaned. It's good to take breaks and the kids like it too. I also love to exercise, and so I have been taking time for that about 4 times per week for 30-50 minutes. It feels good. I like this way better. Maybe the amount we do hasn't changed, but my attitude and my efficiency has. And volleyball is over so maybe we'll be home so the kids can actually do their chores again!! Balance!!

Mormon Feminists and Ordain Women

This seems to be the talk in Mormondom these days so I figured I would chime in for posterity's sake. Basically the only good reason for women to not hold the priesthood is because The Lord said so. That's it, and that could change just like it did for polygamy-- which since researching I think was a mistake in the first place-- and just like it changed for the blacks. But wow, there are some wild postulations out there as to why women don't have the priesthood. Some of the most amusing ones are that women were so valiant and so much better than men in the pre-existence that they don't really need it ( isn't that exactly what some people said about the blacks except that the black people weren't as valiant in the pre-existence?), and then there is the idea that men need the priesthood to keep them active in church and feeling special-- huh?, and then the best one I've heard is that the prayers of women are so powerful, they don't even need the priesthood at all, in fact, their prayers may be even more powerful than a priesthood blessing-- (if that were true, then why would we have the priesthood at all, just let the women pray). So there you go, and if there is a group of women who want to go to 2 more hours of conference, I say, go for it! As far as the Mormon feminists are concerned, I like them. They seem intelligent and faithful to the gospel. They just see that there is inequality of opportunity for service in the church and they would like to see that more equal. They would also like to do women activities without getting a male's approval. I think that is reasonable. I also really liked this post written on the mormon feminists website this week, I really like Malala, what a quality person she is, anyway,: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2013/10/and-im-afraid-of-no-one/ When there are down trodden, marginalized or repressed people, it is always wrong. And it is not the down trodden's fault that they are marginalized and down trodden and it is not for us to judge unrighteous lay, or really at all, for we will be judged that same way-- karma. It is not the Lord's will that only a select few have wonderful service opportunities in the Lord's name. We are supposed to help and encourage each other and cheer for each other. When someone is having a hard time we are supposed to support them and let them know we care and help them in a way that they see as helpful, not in a way that we think will help, but in a way that actually does help, or at the least let them know we want them to succeed and to excel and to do their best even if they end up better than us. This pure charity was sorely lacking in many of the conference talks this last time I thought. There is too much competition and too many rules for us to judge each other against so we can see who is the most righteous and who is not. This is not everybody of course, but it does happen. And when this competitive spirit takes over a ward or congregation, it is very hard to stop, and the safe haven of church no longer exists. In order for church to be an inspirational, loving, happy and cooperative place, we have to have the spirit of love, compassion, understanding and cooperation to reign. That means that we don't care what people wear to church or if they are better than us or if they can do a lot or if they are overwhelmed, we are just glad to see them. We are just glad they came. We say hi to each other, we ask how each other is doing, and we don't ignore people. We don't selectively praise people for their efforts and put our leaders up on a pedestal and talk about how great everything is. We just enjoy being with others who share our faith. We realize that we are all different and very individual. We won't all be the same, and we will be glad for these differences, it keeps life interesting and fun. When somebody has a concern or an issue, we don't immediately dismiss it, we listen and try to either clear it up or find an agreeable solution for both parties. We include each other in planning and we try to do things that will be appreciated by those we are supposed to serve without thinking about how awesome they may think we are for doing this incredible activity that helped no one. Those of us with testimonies of The Lord's restored true church don't want to think that there could be problems and some serious ills happening inside it. But the reality is that the Lord's servants are human beings doing the best they can with good intentions-- hopefully, but that doesn't mean they can do no harm. The biggest harm I've seen recently is in this idea of pure obedience to your leaders all the way from the prophet to the bishop to the primary, young men, and young women presidents and leaders, regardless of what they may say. It's even ok in some cases to go against the handbook as long as the bishop approves. Concerns and questions are not welcome because they have been called of God and they will make the final decisions regardless of how it may affect some individuals. I think the feminists see the gender inequality that exists and feel that if that can be made right, then things will be better. I agree things may be somewhat better, but I have also seen the worst come out of women presidents of church auxiliaries and I think we probably would get a whole new set of problems. I think the issue of people not feeling accepted, loved and safe at church is a much bigger problem than just gender inequality. I admire the feminists' idealism and courage though, and if nothing else they have brought some issues to the forefront of a much needed conversation.