Thoughts on Utah Mormon culture because of this article

http://www.mormonwomen.com/2014/02/27/people-like-us-do-things-like-that/

I really enjoyed reading about this woman's story and how she was encouraged to never leave Utah, but did and has found purpose and joy in life, and she's an active member of the LDS church now.  It's OK to be different, the gospel works for a lot of people and cultures and circumstances.  Recognizing that will be the first step for Utah Mormon culture to overcome some of its really damaging aspects.  There is too much judging, and not enough empathy and compassion.  They will accept the druggie or convert as they are coming back to the fold, but as the person progresses, they don't want to see them as a peer and definitely not better than them.  They are accepting as long as you know your place in the culture and stay there.  These are of course generalizations, but her examples of being excluded, being told as a single mother to stay away from someone's husband, etc. are examples of some of the cultural biases that need to go.  Those types of biases and judgments are way more damaging than people realize.  The worst of it is that the ones carrying them don't even realize it and have no idea why the other person is offended, and then they'll tell everyone how we just need to be nice and use kind words.  It goes deeper than than the words we use, we need to truly care about people and see them all as peers, not a "potential convert" or "someone I can help" or as a duty or obligation to be nice, but to genuinely see them as potential friends and equals regardless of our different personalities or backgrounds. That I think is the worst part of Utah Mormon culture-- the judging against each other and people putting themselves above others.  It looks like she has been able to recover from it and even settle in Utah, it sounds like she is doing a lot of good there now, kudos to her.  It is an uphill battle, but maybe as more people see it and recognize it, many more can freed from it.

The talk I gave in sacrament meeting on Sunday

I get so nervous speaking because I can probably count the times I've spoken in sacrament meeting on 2 hands, I used to be able to wing it when I was in college, but ever since I gave a 5 min. talk giving my husband 30 min. to speak, I write it all out ahead of time and just read it.  It was really hard to make a talk out of another talk, so I just used the title as my topic.  This time I took 25 min. and my husband only had about 8 min., I tried to use it as more of a guide as I spoke, but what I wrote sounded a lot better than the words that came out as I spoke.  I was glad for the opportunity to prepare something to share.  I much prefer teaching though, And I'm glad to be done with that for a long while!

My topic is the conference talk:

Home the school of Life by Elder Falabella

So first off what is a successful life?

 39 For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  Moses 1:39

 7 And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.  D&C 14:7

So from those scriptures we learn that gaining eternal life is  the Lord's work and greatest gift, and gaining eternal life I think means that you had a successful life.

So OK, how can we gain eternal life?

2 Ne 31:20. Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. 

So to have eternal life we must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ which I think means to learn of Him, be baptized and keep his commandments, having hope means that we have faith that by doing so we will gain eternal life, and then we have to love god and all men.  It was a great reminder to me, looking up scriptures and remembering verses, just how important that true genuine love is.  It's more than just saying The words, it only counts if you truly and genuinely feel that love towards others, and you can tell when someone really cares and when they are just being nice for their own gain, although that's. Enter than being mean and if they keep it up, and they really want to feel that love, over time, they will.  We really do end up loving those we serve.  Parents are a perfect example of this, as a child I didn't understand it, And I thought it was my entitlement, but as a parent, then I realized just how much my parents cared about me, and I am really grateful for that. 

So back to more scriptures on how important charity is, and this concept of loving god and all men, in the New Testament in Matthew we read this story:

Matthew 22

 34 ¶But when the Pharisees had heard that he had put the Sadducees to silence, they were gathered together.

 35 Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,

 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

And Then in Moroni 7:

 46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

 So to reach the goal of eternal life, we must have charity, or love.  The other great thing about keeping the commandments and loving people is that it makes your life happy too.

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

 2 Ne 2:25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.  

And having this peace love and joy, I think makes for a successful, happy life.

So how can we gain that charity and really love people?  And to my topic, how can we learn and practice these things at home and teach it to our children, cause we can't teach something we don't know, right.?

First off the answer to gaining charity is simple, it is found in the next verse in Moroni when he's talking about charity:

 Moroni 7:48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

So we need to pray with all the energy of heart-- which means we really have to want it and have been thinking about it.  

Experience at BYU,  we need to honest with ourselves and recognize where we need help and remember that god already knows, so He's not going to to be shocked  at our failings, and acknowledging that anyway, is the first step to change, although this love truly is a gift, and it is one we must pray for, because there are some people who are really hard to love,  for these I will sometimes pray that I can see them the way God sees them, teaching our kids to pray I think is so important, so that they can always have the help they need throughout life, I told my kids when they first went to public school after being homeschooled, that I couldn't be there, but .god is and He is already there and will help you with whatever they need and that's true for each of us.

I think also understanding how much God loves us is very helpful:

 2 Ne 26:33 For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

D&C 18:10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

And then back to my first scripture we have to endure to the end and feast on the words of Christ so we remember to be good and nice.  And know that god loves everyone regardless of anything! rich! poor! ugly! pretty! smart! dumb! fast! slow, fat, skinny, popular, nerdy, whatever, God loves us all no matter what and he doesn't make some of us better than others and when we can love others the way He does, then we won't categorize ourselves anymore, and it won't matter that I'm better or worse off than so and so, we can make a connection and truly care for each other and build each other up and help each other, just as our children or our pets require work and care with nothing in return from them except love and adoration and more work, it doesn't matter, we just love them for them, because they are, and if we could get to that point with every person where we just love them because they are a human, they are a child of God, then we could maybe start to understand God a little bit, because He truly loves us all and truly wants us to be happy and to love each other too, and that is quite a gift he offers us if we will just pray with full energy of heart and keep trying and keep practicing.

Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

And the home just so happens to be a great place to learn and practice these very important lessons.  So children, I hope you will remember how much God loves you and how much your parents love you and that you will treat each other kindly and do nice things for each other and help your parents and siblings and other family and friends and people. And for parents, I have a little more to say on that matter although, if you can have that charity and love, the rest will fall into place. 

One good thing we can do as parents I think is recognize that our children are their own people, they come with certain strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes and preferences.  They are each of great worth. Parents are given a great responsibility to teach them and nurture them and help them to gain their eternal life and to have a happy life too.  It is very helpful to lead by example.  And when we fall short, we need acknowledge our faults, apologize - right the wrong-- and keep trying to do better.  I think D&C 121 is helpful for parents, because we are given authority over our children and we need to use it wisely and in the way The Lord has set:

 41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood ( or any authority), only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

So we need to talk to our children, listen to them, help them and be patient with them. Laying down the law, plants resentment, and trying to guilt them into doing things won't last or work either.  We want our children to do things because they can see why it is a good idea and how it will help them and make them happier-- like schoolwork-- it can seem so daunting at times but if they can see how it will help them get into college and get a good job and help them have things they will want, then it becomes much more worthwhile and they are more likely to follow through, we may have to get creative and give them easier attainable rewards for work done, like a sticker or computer time, or to do whatever activity they enjoy.  The same principle applies to being nice and keeping the commandments.  And then back to the scripture:

 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

 44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

 45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

Elder Falabella says: The Lord has clearly described the attributes which should guide our dealings with other people. These are persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned

I think it also helps to be consistent, not threaten a punishment you don't want to enforce, but the important thing really is that they know you love them and care about them, they really do want to be good and helpful and make you happy, it makes them sad when they fail, but if they know you still love them even when they disappoint or fail at things, then they'll have hope and with that hope and your example, they will find their way, just we all have to find our way to God, and He is patient and loving and forgiving and soooooo long suffering,  we need to be that way too and all our interactions in the home are great practice.

Another thing that Elder Falabela says in his talk is:

1. The temple is the place.-- a great way to start, but he notes we must also live a celestial life

2. To contend, you need two people, and I will never be one of them.

3. A child who sings is a happy child.-- we can learn so much through music, love those primary songs

4. I need you to hug me. We need to reach out

5. I love the Book of Mormon and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Study the scriptures

6. It is not enough to know the scriptures; we have to live them.

Physical abuse in the family is a practice that is occurring less often in certain societies, and we rejoice in that. However, we are still far from eliminating emotional abuse. The harm caused by this form of abuse dwells in our memory, it wounds our personality, it sows hatred in our hearts, it lowers our self-esteem, and it fills us with fear.

So we need to watch our words, and build up our children, praise them when they do well, help them recognize their talents and strengths and help them to keep working on things even when they want to give up.

Now if there is anything I've learned thus far in my life, it's that everybody is different and each situation can be different and sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is in many cases.  The scriptures are really amazing, because they can apply to many situations, giving us guidelines, but when it comes to specifics, we really need to do our homework or research and pray and then listen to spirit and follow what we know in our heart to be right and good for our particular individual situation.

Sometimes the answer may surprise us, that what we and others thought would be a good thing for our child isn't, and we need to listen to those promptings as parents and have the courage to sometimes go against the grain to do the right thing for our child. 

Moroni 7

 13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

 14 Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil.

 15 For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.

 16 For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

2 Nephi 32:3 Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do. 

So it is my prayer that we will all study and feast upon the scriptures, take the time to ponder and learn from them and follow the promptings we get to do whatever,  whether it be to focus on our health more, read a certain book, talk to a certain person, sign our child up for a certain class, take some extra family time, find more opportunities to serve or whatever.  And also that we will be filled with love for one another, that we will be humble and not put ourselves above or below others for whatever reason, that we will be patient, kind and long suffering.

Rest in Peace sweet doggie Maple

Our family dog passed away yesterday. She is the first dog I ever had. I had no idea how much work it would be to raise a puppy and I had no idea I would be so sad when she left us. She started trembling and shaking the Friday before Christmas, She started shaking the Friday before Christmas. Of course no vet clinics were open, so we decided to wait and she how she was doing, she seemed to be getting better on Monday and she was still eating and drinking so I really thought she just must have the flu or something, plus we were down to one car and Christmas was on Wed. with parties and get togethers in between. I just hoped she would get better. She didn't want any of her presents on .christmas, but I think I was just in denial, thinking she wasn't getting worse. By Friday afternoon, she had really slowed down, was still trembling and had really slowed down on the eating and drinking. We took her to our vet neighbor Saturday morning and he gave us pain medicine and said that Maple had hurt her neck which is common for middle age dogs and that we needed to baby her a bit and keep her confined, but that she would heal in a couple weeks. I was so relieved. She took her medicine that Saturday and really seemed to be feeling better. But she wouldn't take it on Sunday, and then she stopped eating and drinking on Monday. I think I was still in denial plus I have no experience with dogs, and the van was in the shop all day Tuesday plus we have been trying to move, packing and cleaning, and we thought it was just because of her neck and she just needed to rest a lot. But yesterday, my husband looked at her and told me she wasn't responding and that it looked to him like she was dying. My daughter, the one who has pretty much taken the most care of Maple, and I ran her back over to the neighbor's because of course it was New Year's Day. It turned out she was dangerously dehydrated by that point. We tried to get her to the Animal Urgent care, but she died in my daughter's arms on the way. I was never a dog person, but I liked the idea of having a dog from all the dog and animal stories I read to my kids. My daughter always wanted a dog and we finally caved when #5 was a baby. She was kind of like our 6th child. We got her in a time of happiness and contentment. She was a lot more work than I anticipated, it took about 6 months to fully house train her. But she was super cute and we all loved her and had some really fun times playing with her. She was never able to learn more tricks than sit and stay, and she hardly ever came when we called. She also loved to chase cars and it is a miracle she didn't get hit those first couple years. We always gentle with the kids. She only nipped if they were really bugging her. She was always in the middle of everything. If there was something interesting going on, she was there. She loved to chase the chickens and really seemed to have found her calling of getting the chickens out of the neighbor's yard. She never tried to bite the chickens or hurt them, just chase them. She never went far from us, she never ran away and she loved to go for walks. She would often find her leash and bring it to someone to take her for a walk. She was just always there and she was our true friend even when we were short with her or she would pee or poo in the house, she loved us. We just got used to having her around and her boundless energy. When I had the twins, I had to teach her to stay out of my room so I could nurse them and just have some quiet time. She learned and she really bonded with #1. #1 really needed her when her best friend moved and then as I began to realize the sorry things happening in our ward. Maple never complained about anything. Over the year we were in transition of moving here, we had to leave her in her kennel for hours while we drive down here for activities and church. She learned to just go there whenever we left and she was of course super happy to see us whenever we came back. Once we finally moved, she really started to hang out with me a lot more especially in the kitchen with the baby dropping food all the time. She would follow me wherever I went and she was never far away. I only didn't allow her in my room. She would usually go find a kid or wait by my door. She would come running whenever her name was called. I didn't realize how much she meant to me and to the kids until we had to decide whether or not to take her on our big move. When it came down to it, we had to take her. I was really looking forward to having her on our trip and to have her in our new home where we will essentially know no one. She loved us, we loved her, and she was my friend. If anyone can teach unconditional love, it is a dog. They are not perfect, they cause chaos and havoc in our lives, but they love us unconditionally and they never judge, even when I was short with Maple or punished her for pooing in the house, she loved me. I wish we could have saved her, we think there must have been more going on than just her neck, she probably ate too many raisins and maybe found some chocolate or licorice or both somewhere. She had started to develop a taste for human food and definitely preferred it over her dog food. I wish she hadn't gotten sick or that we had been able to help her recover. We did the best we knew and the best we could under the circumstances, but that doesn't seem to ease the pain much. I'm glad we got to have her. She was only about 6 yrs. old. She had finally started to slow down a bit and I was looking forward to having a calmer dog for 5 or 6 more years to come. She was gentle and tough. She never complained through her whole sickness, she was just glad to be with us. I will always love her. She was my first dog. And I will miss her terribly for a long time I think. Thank you Maple, my friend, rest in peace, rest in peace.

Love Heals

I have recently started a lecture series from the Teaching Company called The Science of Natural Healing. I really like it so far, it is taught by a cardiologist at the Scripp's Center for Cardiology. She has so year talked about what integrative and holistic medicine mean, that it is not alternative, not using any western medicine, but instead it is more of a bridge integrating Ayrvedic and Chinese medicines as well as herbalogy and homeopathy and other healing models. She has said a ton of really good things I don't have time to recap here, but in explaining her change from being a regular doctor, making a diagnosis and prescribing a drug to treat the symptom, she now sees herself more as a healer who wants to take a look at the whole person. She sakes questions and learns not only about their physical state but also their emotional, mental and spiritual states. She said that when she approaches her patients with love and acceptance instead of from a place of judgment, true healing can happen. She takes the people from wherever they are and goes from there. The person's sense of community is also very important to overall health and peace of mind. I am really enjoying this course so far, I've only gotten through 4 lectures. It feels so good to do this sort of thing again! I just listen while I pack, it's working out pretty well. I love learning! Here's the link: (blogger is acting up like crazy on my ipad, no paragraphs, won't let me put the cursor where I want, I like blogging from my ipad cause it's easy, I may be moving to Wordpress soon, sorry about the link, it is from the the teaching company. Wwwe.teach12.com

You are nothing without Love

I think writing things out is highly therapeutic for me, there has been so much stuff though that I have needed to flesh out privately and haven't because this and Facebook became my outlets. I just found a journal app that will be so much better than sharing my thoughts and impressions with the world. I am a pretty open book, and I think it worked against me on Some Facebook groups I was a part of, but I also learned a lot about myself and about people through the experience. The problem with Facebook is that there's no body language. In person you can tell when something is uncomfortable for the other person and you can tell when a change of subject is in order. With Facebook! you can lay out your heart and not realize that you have threatened someone with your thoughts or with your experience. The human experience is so varied and unique, that what may seem like common knowledge to me may be completely foreign and bizarre to someone else. And with FB, it's really hard to gauge when you are coming to that line. So probably not too unsurprisingly I threatened a lot of people on a fairly conservative LDS moms group I was a part of with my "radical" ideas. This has been awhile, so I joined a different more "radical" group, but I really liked it because the people there were fairly tolerant. It was refreshing and I wasn't radical at all there. So it has been an interesting exercise to observe the people's comments in these groups. I'm pretty tired of them both now and I have worked through a lot of things. Also, I haven't gone to my ward since testimony meeting because we've had family in town or gone to a different ward or had a sick kid, plus we're moving so I have not heard about any of the ward activities or goings on. It has helped my mental and emotional state so much, that I don't feel like I have to go vent some where. Those people can make me so angry so fast because of their ignorance and stupidity and my inability and powerlessness to change it, it is ridiculous. I have found time to play the piano, read and watch lectures again. I feel like I am coming back to myself. I started this blog as a place to review books I've read and to share ideas I liked, but once I got pregnant with the twins, all I was able to do was survive and protect my kids and try to figure out how to navigate the idiocy that seemed to surround me. It is really really relieving to have this period come to a close. Someday, I may write a book about these 4 years. They were great in terms of the kids growing and learning, and they were awful in terms of being rejected by our faith community. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't pretended to be our friends. You don't have to like me, you don't have to be my friend, so don't pretend to be my friend and then stab me in the back, talk bad about me when I'm not there, marginalized me and push me away. That's not nice, and it really does hurt. When someone says or does something mean and back handed to another person, it hurts even if the person doing the harm believes they are a good person. Probably the most important thing I have learned through all of this is the reality of 1 Corinthians 13 that you are nothing without charity or love, it doesn't matter what else you do, how much money you donate charity, that you can prophesy, that you are respected in your community, that you are prospering in the land, etc, etc, if you don't sincerely and truly love people, be encouraging of them, don't be jealous, let them be themselves, don't shame them or guilt them, but just love them and accept them, then you really are nothing and nothing else you do matters one iota. And conversely, if you are the scum of the earth with no skills and no talents and nothing to share, but you truly have charity and love and compassion, it doesn't matter because you have what counts. And you know what else? God loves us all the same, he doesn't love the pious church goer anymore than he loves the sinner. He doesn't love the fabulous singer any more than he loves the ugly or disabled person anywhere. He doesn't turn anyone away ever. He loves us all. May we all have that love, then the world would be a much better and happier place.

My Health update

About a month ago I finally started feeling more normal and less tired. My skin started looking a lot better and my hair even seems thicker. My belly has gone down a lot too. I attribute that mostly to making sure I got my rest, enough sleep and taking time to lie down during the day when I just felt tired. I let go of the guilt of thinking of all the things I needed to do and I would just go lie down for as long as I needed. It took about a month of that, and I no longer need to lie down during the day. I make sure I go to bed by 11 pm and I'm up at 7 am. Sleep makes such a difference. I just have felt better. We are also going to be moving the end of this month, hopefully-- it will be nice to get it all set up, so I decided to go ahead and do a final cleanse with Vicki before we go, I'm on my 2nd day of just juices today and I am still feeling pretty good. I've gotten some more weird stuff out, how much is there? I am hoping that my body will finally be able to release some of the extra pounds I've been carrying, but it just may take a while longer. I plan to continue eating mostly salads, I'm finding new favorite ways of eating them and I am also finding more ways to include a wider variety of cooked veggies into my and my family's meals. It feels good!

New Events Website -- happen.io

So this post is just to let you know that there is a great brand new website out there where you can post your own events to the public or make them private, you can even make your own group for whoever you want to join, it's easy to communicate through the comments and it's easy to use and search. It is brand new, been out about a week, so most of the public events so far are in Utah, so definitely if you are in Utah, go check it out! Http://happen.io