Anxiety and Adrenal glands

I really wasn't feeling well last month. I had a couple migraine auras, I would feel slightly dizzy and have a weird feeling behind my eyes. I realized that I needed to make getting enough sleep a top priority. I bought warm sleepers for the twins and the baby, made sure the one who always wets his pants has a diaper, made sure all the animals were taken care of and made sure I went to bed as early as possible. Also when I feel like I need a break, I take it and lie down. It took about a month of this, letting some things go and such that I started feeling better. But I still wasn't sure exactly what was going on with me, I eat about as healthy as anyone could possibly eat, I was starting to worry a bit, brain tumor, hypoglycemia? Finally I realized that I have pretty much all the symptoms of anxiety plus it runs in my family. I was relieved to have a reason that I could learn to deal with and conquer and then I had to figure out what was causing it. First of all, being the mother of 8 needy children including twins and a baby is not a calm serene type of life. I love it, I am a pretty patient person, but it does wear on me. It also makes it extremely difficult to keep the house clean which when it gets super out of control instead of just regular out of control, I get overwhelmed and apparently anxious. Slowing down and taking care of myself was exactly what I needed to do. The other thing that is not a happy stress that was causing me anxiety is my stupid ward. Once I realized that trying to deal with them all the time was affecting me physically, I decided that I just won't deal with them right now until I am more stable. I need a break from their stupidness. So we are only attending sacrament meeting each week and taking a break from the auxiliaries. I feel so at peace with this decision right now. It is so much better to just decide beforehand how much involvement everyone will have until either we feel more accepted and more trusting of the people who are in charge of the activities and meetings for our children. My daughter told me how she misses going to all of church, and I do to. Hopefully we will have that good feeling at church again. For now I feel like the right thing to do is to follow our conscience or the Spirit and not go. If we didn't have kids then I would go to the whole thing and try to help people and give comments and such, but as it is, they have completely marginalized me and it is just not worth losing my health over it. On a good note, my husband finished his awesome website. It is not growing very much yet, so he will try to get a job and wait for it to grow. We got to switch roles today. I did some cold calling-- not effective-- and he helped the kids with their schoolwork and washed some dishes. I missed my kids even as overwhelming and hard as it can be sometimes, I like my job home with them way better. I will miss these days. It was fun to have a change of pace for a day and it helped me get my mind on something positive to work towards rather than thinking about defending myself and kids from our ward. I think that's really what I need, is to focus on some positive things. It's hard to do when you don't get out much because you homeschool 8 kids of a wide span of ages. It was fun. The other thing I learned researching about anxiety is that I'm pretty sure my adrenals are shot from all the fight or flight hormones that have been running constantly since the twins were born and we've had to constantly be on guard at church except for the blessed year of recovery til our ward split. But I'm grateful to have a name and some understanding of what has been going on with me. Things can only get better! Speaking of which, I'd better go to bed!

Video on being taught well by parents

This is so worth watching http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isLtc5lFgf8&feature=player_embedded&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DisLtc5lFgf8%26feature%3Dplayer_embedded

Balance

Dang! I thought I published this last week, guess not! :) There are only so many hours in the day. We are each just one person. And although I would love to learn everything, do everything and teach it all to my kids in one day, it just isn't going to happen. One of my biggest weaknesses is getting really involved in something that I miss the bigger picture and forget about doing other needful things. I will get completely absorbed in a book or in a sewing project or in reading to my kids or playing the piano or a cleaning project (in my former life when I had time to do such things), and I will forget all about making dinner or cleaning up after myself or whatever, it makes me late for stuff all the time because I think I can do more before we have to go and then I get absorbed in it an leave later. So having a bunch of kids has forced me to prioritize better, organize better and think things through better and schedule things better. There just is so little room for error when you have a bunch of needy people dependent on you. At this point in my mothering career, we are just doing the most important basics and it takes all day long and longer. I honestly haven't folded the laundry in months, I get it washed, the laundry room is out of the way and we all just dig through to find our clothes, it is on the list to organize and give parts of it to the kids, but the time is not yet. And I wash an average of 3 loads of laundry a day and usually more with all the pee and poo blankets, towels and clothes. Today somebody forgot to turn the sink off after they washed their hands in the bathroom, so right now every towel in the house is hanging out to dry on our back deck from soaking up all the water that ran everywhere before someone noticed-- at least it was clean water from the sink and not yucky water from the toilet. Anyway, my point is that we have had to prioritize so much that we only do what is most important and for awhile that did not include taking care of myself. I have been learning that the analogy of the putting on your own oxygen mask in the airplane first and then putting it on the child once yours is secure is very true. If I am not healthy, then everything else can just go to pot, nothing will get done if I am not there to either do it or oversee it. If I am stressed, then everybody is stressed. So there were a couple days where I woke up extremely tired from getting woken in the night for various things over several days, and I decided that everybody was safe and happy doing whatever and I went back to bed and rested. When I got up, I felt tons better and got way more done than if I had tried to push through that tiredness. Also, I think I have finally internalized the fact that we are not going to accomplish everything I would like to do every day and that's OK. I need a break sometimes and the kids also need a break sometimes. As we work steadily and consistently a little bit everyday, eventually will reach our end goal. My girls play the piano even though our lessons have been sporadic. They are doing fine in algebra even though we slowed down in math sometimes. The boys finished their first year Greek book even though it took us 2 years to do so. It's OK. And we can take a break from our studies for field trips. I just used to want the kids to get as much done as possible each day, but that's not necessary. I think we are actually more efficient now because I don't hang it over our heads all the time. We work when it's time to work and we play when it's time to play. I make sure and drink my water and eat my salad before I make the kids' meals so I have energy to do so and don't eat all their food. I also let myself rest when I'm tired and acknowledge to myself how much I've done even though it doesn't look like it. I try to remember all the diapers I changed, all the books I read, all the bums I wiped and hands I washed and food I prepared and served and water I gave and children I dressed and homework I explained and songs I sang and messes I cleaned. It's good to take breaks and the kids like it too. I also love to exercise, and so I have been taking time for that about 4 times per week for 30-50 minutes. It feels good. I like this way better. Maybe the amount we do hasn't changed, but my attitude and my efficiency has. And volleyball is over so maybe we'll be home so the kids can actually do their chores again!! Balance!!

Mormon Feminists and Ordain Women

This seems to be the talk in Mormondom these days so I figured I would chime in for posterity's sake. Basically the only good reason for women to not hold the priesthood is because The Lord said so. That's it, and that could change just like it did for polygamy-- which since researching I think was a mistake in the first place-- and just like it changed for the blacks. But wow, there are some wild postulations out there as to why women don't have the priesthood. Some of the most amusing ones are that women were so valiant and so much better than men in the pre-existence that they don't really need it ( isn't that exactly what some people said about the blacks except that the black people weren't as valiant in the pre-existence?), and then there is the idea that men need the priesthood to keep them active in church and feeling special-- huh?, and then the best one I've heard is that the prayers of women are so powerful, they don't even need the priesthood at all, in fact, their prayers may be even more powerful than a priesthood blessing-- (if that were true, then why would we have the priesthood at all, just let the women pray). So there you go, and if there is a group of women who want to go to 2 more hours of conference, I say, go for it! As far as the Mormon feminists are concerned, I like them. They seem intelligent and faithful to the gospel. They just see that there is inequality of opportunity for service in the church and they would like to see that more equal. They would also like to do women activities without getting a male's approval. I think that is reasonable. I also really liked this post written on the mormon feminists website this week, I really like Malala, what a quality person she is, anyway,: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2013/10/and-im-afraid-of-no-one/ When there are down trodden, marginalized or repressed people, it is always wrong. And it is not the down trodden's fault that they are marginalized and down trodden and it is not for us to judge unrighteous lay, or really at all, for we will be judged that same way-- karma. It is not the Lord's will that only a select few have wonderful service opportunities in the Lord's name. We are supposed to help and encourage each other and cheer for each other. When someone is having a hard time we are supposed to support them and let them know we care and help them in a way that they see as helpful, not in a way that we think will help, but in a way that actually does help, or at the least let them know we want them to succeed and to excel and to do their best even if they end up better than us. This pure charity was sorely lacking in many of the conference talks this last time I thought. There is too much competition and too many rules for us to judge each other against so we can see who is the most righteous and who is not. This is not everybody of course, but it does happen. And when this competitive spirit takes over a ward or congregation, it is very hard to stop, and the safe haven of church no longer exists. In order for church to be an inspirational, loving, happy and cooperative place, we have to have the spirit of love, compassion, understanding and cooperation to reign. That means that we don't care what people wear to church or if they are better than us or if they can do a lot or if they are overwhelmed, we are just glad to see them. We are just glad they came. We say hi to each other, we ask how each other is doing, and we don't ignore people. We don't selectively praise people for their efforts and put our leaders up on a pedestal and talk about how great everything is. We just enjoy being with others who share our faith. We realize that we are all different and very individual. We won't all be the same, and we will be glad for these differences, it keeps life interesting and fun. When somebody has a concern or an issue, we don't immediately dismiss it, we listen and try to either clear it up or find an agreeable solution for both parties. We include each other in planning and we try to do things that will be appreciated by those we are supposed to serve without thinking about how awesome they may think we are for doing this incredible activity that helped no one. Those of us with testimonies of The Lord's restored true church don't want to think that there could be problems and some serious ills happening inside it. But the reality is that the Lord's servants are human beings doing the best they can with good intentions-- hopefully, but that doesn't mean they can do no harm. The biggest harm I've seen recently is in this idea of pure obedience to your leaders all the way from the prophet to the bishop to the primary, young men, and young women presidents and leaders, regardless of what they may say. It's even ok in some cases to go against the handbook as long as the bishop approves. Concerns and questions are not welcome because they have been called of God and they will make the final decisions regardless of how it may affect some individuals. I think the feminists see the gender inequality that exists and feel that if that can be made right, then things will be better. I agree things may be somewhat better, but I have also seen the worst come out of women presidents of church auxiliaries and I think we probably would get a whole new set of problems. I think the issue of people not feeling accepted, loved and safe at church is a much bigger problem than just gender inequality. I admire the feminists' idealism and courage though, and if nothing else they have brought some issues to the forefront of a much needed conversation.

Sustaining our Leaders-- ch. 18 Teachings of Lorenzo Snow

There is a lot of talk lately it seems maybe because conference is coming up on following the prophet and sustaining our leaders. I believe that Pres. Monson is the Lord's prophet, I believe in the priesthood and that the LDS church is the Lord's restored church. However, I think we as members sometimes take these truths a little too far in assuming that when The Lord calls mortal men to do church tasks that they will or almost cannot do any wrong or any harm because they are chosen and called, even to the point that we think questioning actions or decisions is wrong or unrighteous. I found this lesson in the current RS manual to be quite refreshing in this regard. The chapter talks about the duties of those who are called to positions of authority over others in the church and how they should act. I also thought there was a quote in there on how if you know that a leader is not doing their duty that you have a duty not to sustain them and should take the matter up with a higher authority, but I can't find it right now. I will keep looking, and maybe that's the article or talk I was thinking of more. I think we do have a duty to question and find truths for ourselves not just blindly follow people even if they are called of God, we need to know that what they are telling us is indeed the Lord's will for ourselves, and I believe The Lord will let us know that it is if we are sincere. But here is the link for this chapter anyway. https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-lorenzo-snow/chapter-18-church-leadership-and-selfless-service?lang=eng

Competition vs. Cooperation-- Being One

I have actually started to enjoy Relief Society. I switch off teaching music to the Primary kids and taking the week off. During the long winter when kids were sick, my husband and I switched off going and my turn going was always in primary. Now we have 1 o clock church with 3 yr. old twins in nursery and a 1 yr. old baby, and my husband is still recovering from working for the church, and he is much happier the rest of the week when he doesn't attend more than sacrament meeting so it works out for us to all go to sacrament meeting and then he takes the 3 little guys home. So I have had the opportunity to go to Relief Society when it's not my turn to lead the music in primary and I am baby free so I can stay for the whole lesson. I've been surprised at how good the lessons have been even with people I don't particularly like, they have given good lessons and the Spirit has been there. It has been years since I have enjoyed Relief Society. It is a welcome change. It has also given me an opportunity to think about some things and even to share a comment in class, but I have so much more to say and think about, I'll share it here or at least the main idea so I don't forget. So the lesson today was on being one, one in the gospel and one in Relief Society. This particular teacher handled an issue I had with her YW activity very poorly. Instead of reaching out to me to explain any misunderstanding on my part or trying to understand my concern, she replied to my email and basically told me that I misunderstood the activity and that I should not complain about anything. So I was not excited to be there, but she is a talented teacher and she had a lot of discussion questions and some good quotes and it ended up being very interesting. So she started off asking what being one means and there were some good comments about loving each other and how charity is the bottom line, and then the discussion somehow lead to how she is a perfectionist and when she was on her missin her mission president sat her down and told her that she was going to have a very hard life if she couldn't be happy bless things were perfect and if she was always second guessing herself an beating herself up for not doing better. So she wanted everyone in the room to know that they are good enough and they are trying hard enough. One sister mentioned how she didn't have the perfectionist problem until she joined the church at age 20, but that she has learned that we just have to be clean and trying, not actually perfect and that the atonement works. Everybody laughed at the perfectionist comment because there's a lot of truth to it-- recently I have seen memes and links to articles about women in the church being good enough. And there were other comments and such and then she had us read a quote by Elder Uchtdorf on how we are all different and that's good, that God didn't create us all the same, etc. and then she told a story about a guy who went around to schools teaching tolerance when she worked at a troubled teen school. The guy legally changed his name to the scary guy had tattoos all over his body and then showed the kids how nice he actually was and that we shouldn't judge. Then she went on on how we shouldn't judge others if they have a tattoo or whatever because God loves them just as much as he loves us. I thought it was interesting that she referred to tattooed people as them. Anyway, I didn't need any prompting to raise my hand this time. Because this whole concept of being one in the gospel and helping and loving each other in the church has been a huge let down for me. I've analyzed it a lot and I've worked through a lot of feelings and reset my expectations. It still makes me sad, but I am no longer devastated by it, I look at my experiences as learning and growth opportunities. I feel like I understand much better and I won't get stuck that way again. I am confidant. I have done my part to understand these bad behaviors and I can see that it's not my fault that I have been minimized and treated badly in 2 different wards by those who should have been my friends and brothers and sisters. So I made the point that sometimes it's easy to love those who are very different and have made obviously poor choices. It is a lot harder to love those who are very similar to us. I pointed out how in our ward we are all about the same and how it's really awful when we compete with each other instead of cooperate with each other and be happy for each other. Since we are so similar we have to find made up ways that we are better than someone else and then put those people down, And then I ended by saying how ridiculous and stupid it is that we do that. I am so tired of these made up competitions and games people play and how subtley rude they are to each other. Then there ends up being all these women who feel lonely and like they aren't good enough to be a president of any organization or to teach a lesson or do anything else. And the truth is any person in that room could have taught that lesson just fine. Any person in that room could be the Relief Society President or Young Women's President or Primary President. The leaders need to treat every person in that ward as an equal or greater peer to them. When the leaders use their calling for self aggrandizement everyone suffers including them. It seemed to me that when I was talking everyone liked my comment and agreed with me, because it's so clear and most the people in that room are not in charge of anything so they have had to learn to cope and find God on their own without any validation of a high church calling. I was especially glad that the stake RS Pres who is in our ward commented right after about how much harder it is to get along with people who are similar to you, so that made me happy and gave me some validation. So there you go.... Be nice to people, don't think that you are better than others because you or your husband have a high calling. Callings only mean something if you are humble and serve and do what God would have you do.

Happy- the Documentary

I recently watched the documentary, Happy, on Netflix. I really really liked it. It showed a wide range of people and cultures and things that made people happy. It started out with things like physical activity, counting your blessings and good relationships and support. It moved on to talk about how many Japanese men literally work themselves to death, then showed a Danish women who lived in a shred type of housing unit, and then a man teaching kindness in a middle school, the a piece on Bhutan, one on Okinawa and finally it ended with a piece on a man who serves in the home Mother Teresa started for the sick, destitute and dying. They actually go find these destitute people in public places there in India and bring to their home and care for them and mostly just want them to know that God hasn't forgotten them and that He loves them and that they are cared about and loved. I thought that part was very touching, because to me, that's what this life is all about-- caring for others and being kind. I was especially struck by the lesson taught to the middle schoolers. The instructor talked about the difference between cooperation and competition and how we need to help each other instead of bring each other down. He also had everyone who had felt minimized or made fun of to raise their hands, pretty much every student raised their hands, then he had them look around and see that. He invited some kids to come in front and talk about how it feels when they are called names and made fun of and how it feels to have others be mean to you. I was surprised at how much I related to that feeling of being disregarded and being made to feel inferior and stupid and not as good as everyone else. It made me feel a lot better to see how that is not OK. After the kids expressed their sorrow and frustration at being treated that way, he had the kids say how that's not right and how they shouldn't do that. And that people shouldn't say mean things to each other or be mean like that. It was so refreshing for me to see. Also, the things that make us happy are the simple things in life that don't cost money. Money and things don't make people happy. Serving others, contributing to each others' well-being, good relationships, being grateful and being active-- those are the things that bring happiness. I highly recommend this film, it made me happy!!