I recently posted about not being given a calling for 18 months after I had the twins even though I had offered to help in different areas. I think I last wrote when I realized that I was being shunned and realized that something was very wrong. I tried to make an appointment with the bishop- but that is a long story- suffice it to say that I finally got his ear and felt that he understood my situation and why I had to talk to him only. He thanked me for my patience- I reminded him that I am a mother of 7- I have developed a good amount of patience thus far. Anyway, I felt much better and my burden was lifted.
Actually I really started feeling better after a heartfelt prayer I had the day after I first got his attention and set an appointment directly with him for the following day. I poured my heart out to the Lord in prayer and I was instantly calmed. One of my concerns was that some of the people who were treating my badly in the ward would have influence over my precious children. I really did not like the idea of sending them off to people who don't like me. Anyway, I felt calm and peace and also the assurance that the Lord knows, he understands and their incompetence will not affect my overall purpose in life. They can't take away my influence as a mother to my children. The Lord will give me opportunities to serve at a later date.
For now I think I have learned some valuable lessons. The first is how awful it can feel to go to church. I have a very strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of the divinity of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it was really hard to go to church for a while. I understand how those who go inactive must feel. It is not that they have necessarily lost their testimony-- they just may feel like they are different and on the outside. There may be some people there that they just don't want to see or have contact with or be reminded about how rotten things have gotten. I have never really been on the "inside" of any social group, but it has never really bothered me. But to feel so on the "outside" at church was really hard- because that is supposed to be a place where you can feel safe and loved. I am much more empathetic than I have been in the past. There is nothing like experiencing it for yourself.
I am very much relieved because I did my part. I kept going to church. I realized that it is not the primary president's church or the bishop's church-- it is the Lord's church. I tried to talk to people in the hall and to anybody that looked like they needed a smile. I stopped talking to other people who pretended to be my friends and really aren't. I was polite if I saw them, but I have to admit it felt good to show them that they couldn't push me out or down. Regardless of what they did to me intentionally or unintentionally I would still do what is right. I decided that I would not avoid them- I would watch out for my kids regardless of what they might think. I substituted a couple times and just did my part without fanfare or attention. I didn't make a big deal of anything. I was polite and made it through the church day although it was hard to do. It gave me courage to know that this is Christ's church and he wants us all to feel welcome in his church. That gave me courage to reach out to people I normally wouldn't have reached. I made and delivered loaves of bread a couple times to people I just thought might appreciate it. And I was right- they did appreciate it. I found that I was not the only one feeling shunned.
I was optimistic that I had reached the bishop, probably in a way that anyone any less patient could not have reached him. Two months passed with no word, but I felt that I had had my say and it was not my responsibility to contact the bishop again. Then this week he just showed up at our doorstep one evening and wanted to chat. He let me know he had thrown my name out there and still there were no takers- no calling for me. I let him know that since my son's cub scout leader was moving that I would be taking that over until they called someone new so that there would be continuity. We visited for awhile and I think he saw further what I had been saying. Today he issued me 2 callings in the primary which I am thankful for. I think he realizes that he had to go and fix it himself because auxiliaries were not giving me opportunities that I should have. I am very thankful.
I am still annoyed at the primary president and a few other annoying people who seem to constantly be in callings of influence. I think they could really benefit by experiencing what I have experienced over the past couple years. But I am watching some changes happen and I'm sure there will be more. I am not afraid to speak my mind to anyone in the ward about things that affect me or my children. In a way by being pushed out I was liberated. I was able to see and show myself that I am not dependent on people for my testimony or my faithfulness in the gospel. I was able to overcome the feelings of betrayal I felt and deal with those people in a healthy way. I am stronger and more confident in my thoughts and abilities. I have been able to forgive them all and thus not worry about being around them or having to work with them. It is still annoying, but I can handle them.
Another thing I have learned is that I need to make sure that I have positive interactions each week so that I don't have to rely on my ward as a social outlet. I attend to worship my God, not to make friends. I need to make sure I am fair to people- not all of them are responsible for my shunning. I have to treat them all as best I can. I am not afraid and it is very nice! I do much better when I make sure to meet at least another mom friend for a field trip or to visit. Life is good. I am grateful for the experience-- hopefully I've learned my lesson and I can enjoy a better church- going experience! Things always change- and when things are looking bad- it's nice to remember that they won't stay bad and it will get better!!
Mostly I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for being so perfect and being there for me. Prayer is real. Forgiveness is real. God is real.
5 comments:
Great post my friend and what wonderful insights. Someone told me once that it can be very difficult to not be the "right" kind of LDS woman in Utah. The only "right" we need to be is the daughter our Heavenly Father wants us to be. Good for you on seeking out social interaction from true friends during the week!
You put it all so well..I hear you and applaude your efforts..its frustrating..and yet there is always a leason to be learned..I feel your pain..and am trying to get to that same place..I think I am stubborn..slowly but surely!!
That being said-- I still don't like going to my ward. I won't be pushed out, but I certainly don't enjoy it. We are trying to move and I really hope we can. I'm ready for a new set of problems!!
I'm sorry you're having such trouble with your ward. If it helps, I often feel very different from the others in my ward, who are either much, much older than me or the same age but with half the kids (I don't really fit in when the discussion turns to which birth control method works the best, you know?). One time, when I was feeling particularly lonely, I was praying about my discouragement. I prayed specifically, "Heavenly Father, I know we were suppposed to move into this ward and area and I know this is where we are supposed to be, but I just don't understand. There is no one like me here."
Immediately, I felt the Spirit whisper, "Exactly." and I realized that the reason I was here was exactly the reason I was lonely -- I was needed because I was different.
Thank you for that handsfullmom- very sweet of you to share. I wish I knew where we are supposed to be-- we are trying to figure it out. I don't think it's here.
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